Illustrator: brushes arrived.

This morning my new brushes arrived.

These are some of the handmade brushes from Rosemary&Co
Some of the brushes have that magic Russian weasel fur, Kolinsky, and some have red sable. Three have synthetic variations of some kind. I bought two thicknesses. Thin (#2) and not-so-thin (#5).
They’re meant to give expressive, fluid lines. To make for interesting black drawings.

Rosemary&Co is a small family business in the UK. My order was processed in the evening and send in the morning. Next day they were here, quick, secure and well protected. It felt like sympa post!

(Do you know “sympa”? It is a French expression meaning “sympathetic”. I picked it up in the ’80s. Not sure if they still use it. We were hip in the ’80s!)

INTERRUPTION OF A PRACTICAL NATURE
The post arrived just as I finished writing the blog post before this. That’s what I used my one hour uptime for today. Write that post. Then go lay down.
Dingeling! The post. Not only with these brushes but also with the High Frequency shielding fabric for my cage of Faraday.

I know I ought to go lay down. But I could not leave those parcels alone. Had to see the fabric. Had to see the brushes. Then I hád to test them. I was so curious and so full of anticipation.
My new, well meant daily routines are not implemented as easily as they are written down…

So I went upstairs to my lovely attic and tried the brushes, with the ink I bought the other day, in my green owl notebook. Just a few swirls with each brush, to get a feel for them.
I’ll describe the results in a minute. First I want to admit that the rest of today I paid dearly for that indulgence. When I finally laid down after playing with the brushes, and really, that only took about 20 minutes!, I fell down hard. I even fell asleep for two hours from which I have not awakened properly. Ever since I’ve woken from that sleep I’ve wanted to eat carbohydrates (and have done so). I forgot to drink water. I forgot to go to the toilet. I forgot to put the central heating on, I’ve been cold all day. Miserable even. Groggy too.
I have not been able to do anything that involves the brain or the heart. No thinking, no drawing, no knitting, no social interaction on the internet. Not even talk to my husband.
I did take a bath -which broke me even more, energy wise- but only because I had to. I am visiting my doctor tomorrow and … well… I wasn’t very presentable… olifactorial speaking…
Ah, the social pressure to smell flowery… As if my doctor cares. Or even notices, as he will be sitting across from me, behind a desk, not interested in my actual physique at all. Only in the functional representations of it on paper.
So my dear, listen to yourself, if you have concluded that one of the few things you MUST do on a day is laying down and rest after you’ve had your one hour activity in the morning, then DO SO. Stop messing about!

Here’s the brushplay that made me do it:

Such a joy!
The skills and techniques I’ve developed doing Japanese brushwork (sumi-é) are welcomed by these brushes. Even though they are different from Japanese brushes. My Japanese brushes I only use on rice paper, which is smooth.
These kolinsky and nylon brushes I’d use on paper. They do very well with the drawing ink. I recognize some of the loading characteristics I know from my Japanese brushes. It was a joy to do!

I look forward to playing some more. Even ink a drawing I made earlier in pencil. Just for the fun of it. Playing with the ink, with the thickness of the line, it is really fun.
I do need to get to know these brushes much better of course. They do not do what I expect or want them to. But most of them are excellent tools, behaving much better than any ordinary brush I’ve ever used.

Reading at the comic-tools blog I discovered that a lot of people are put of of brushes because of substandard commercial brushes. I sure can tell these brushes from Rosemary&co are in another league.

I also am reading 20-questions-to-cartoonists and I am delighted to learn that there are other people who have a rough time getting themselves to the drawing table. They invent all kinds of procrastinations. But when they dó finally sit down and bring a pencil of brush to the paper, they are deliriously happy.
I’ve never read about these experiences. They are exactly like mine. It’s a ridiculous thing, to postpone the thing you like to do most. I am glad to read I am not alone.
With me there’s a bit of an extra difficulty in that I only have that one hour in the morning. If I hide and procrastinate only for that little while, the opportunity for that day is gone.
Now, at evening, I am full of plans and good intentions. I will sit down tomorrow and draw!
But it’s such another story in the morning…

PLAN FOR TOMORROW
get up, visit doctor
drink tea
rest or DRAW
rest
get things and drive to the cabin
rest

PLAN FOR SATURDAY
get up
visit apple tree nursery
rest

SUNDAY
get up
DRAW
rest
vacuum or clean sheets on bed

shitshitshit, there needs to be new food cooked on Saturday! Chicken soup for the rest of the week probably.
shitshit, I’ll be too tired to do it on Saturday. Will postpone it till Sunday. But then one of the other things has to go: the drawing or the vacuuming (which is really necessary and also important to make me feel good in the cabin for the rest of the week)(or shall I just go back to the city for another week? That gives all other kinds of practical problems… which are solvable).
shit, this really isn’t easy.

Reasoning towards a meaningful life, part 8: Being Perfect

In this last post I will match the life that will make me feel happy with the reality of my daily life. In other words, I’ll try and fit a square thing in a round hole.

Let me list some of the practicalities that make the shape of the hole in which I am trying to fit. Not abiding to them will be a recipe for disaster and disappointment soon or later on.

1. My eyesight is worsening. I’ve been having double vision for over a year now. It is not getting better. There’s a history of eye trouble in the family ánd I carry a few genes that will facilitate said trouble.
2. I have a chronic fatigue illness. It is not healing any time soon. The last few months I got one hour up-time twice a day. Before that I got three times. I probably will get back to that. Perhaps even get up to four hours. But it will be slowly and it will never be 8 hours up and working.
3. I need daily alternating of work and relaxing. Relaxing time is for relaxing. No judging life during relaxing. No goals and no hurries during relaxing. Enjoy a hobby, knitting is mine.
4. The alternating needs to be done consciously. Otherwise I’ll just skip on or the other. Go lie on the couch. Go sit at your table and work.
5. Maintaining the body takes time and effort. I tend to forget this. I fail to allot time for it during the day (because it eats into my uptime). I forget to go pee…
6. The days need to be quiet. Too many things on my to do list will make me feel jumpy. I will feel inadequate and will skip spending time on ‘useless’ things that are important such as social interaction, hobbies and lying in my bed.
7. This next item is painful to admit…..but I am not well in the company of my spouse. Somehow part of me gets preoccupied in his presence, even if he just sits there, programming. My energy gets divided, siphoned away. I can’t concentrate (I guess I feel guilty when I do so)
8. I also keep expecting that us living together should be like two of me living together, with both of us having my eye for detail and my drive for perfection. Of course this is not the case, the man can’t even read my thoughts! (which I still find annoying). Thusly, the house we live in is not the way I’d like it to be. And I blame him. Now please understand, I knów this attitude is rubbish. But this is still how it works for me, after years of trying to alter me. The result is that I am not happy in my house and not happy in the couple.
9. Words are not my friends. I keep getting frustrated when words are not effective enough to express my thoughts. I blame myself for not communicating in a way that my conversation partner/reader/listener understands. It doesn’t help that my points of view often are in the realm where words are too crude anyway. Still I blame me.
10. My fascinations are fluid. They change. They have a “best by … date”. I need to grasp the current one and work through it before it looses its viability. Also: there needs to be some sort of end result. Something I can show and share with friends.
11. My days are unpredictable. When my mind is off, or my body, or the weather, or my inspiration, my day schedule needs to be able to cope with that. Without everything crumbling down. Also, I can no longer live with rigid time tables and must-do lists at which I fail at every time something unexpected happens.

So how do I fit a meaningful life into these restrictions?

pic by Rubenshito

1. EYESIGHT don’t chose one occupation or skill on which I’ll be dependent for the rest of my life. So no miniature jewelry making or artisan work. Photography is fine as is blockprinting. Learn to knit without looking.
2. FATIGUE better have some things I can do lying down. The thinking, the drawing, the knitting, it can all be done lyig down. And: for now don’t chose long or labourous production processes for the visible results. So no screen printing, wood carving, performance art or welding. Computer drawing/writing is ok. Painting too.
3. RELAXING is a conscious decision. Enjoy your downtime. Think of fun things to do when resting and only do those when relaxing. Enjoyable movies, interesting knitting, an hour of surfing. Spend money on your hobbies, use quality yarn.
4. ALTERNATING devise a basic daily routine. Get up and work then break for lunch and resting.
5. MIND THE BODY insert daily routines to take care of the body. Routines that take minimal effort. How does one remember to pee? Use alerts. Friendly alerts.
6. QUIET MIND only put two things per day on the to do list. The rest is bonus. Of course things need to be done to keep life (and the house) running smoothly. However, I can spend less time and effort on them. Just plan smartly, prioritize (when you’re not tired!), lessen any expectations about the perfect household, social relations etc. and delegate. Have someone clean your house, have plenty of storage spaces, install electronic birthdaywishes or reminders, wear the same clothes in different colours. Allot set amount of times to a chore and then do it 60%. Well enough is good enough.
7. BEING TOGETHER. Got nothing for this one….. Practise? Copy how he does it? He doesn’t lose part of himself in my presence. I have no solution for this one. Yet.
8. LIVING TOGETHER. Trying to change my husband didn’t work. Trying to change my expectations didn’t work either. The solution is to go towards another, third option: invent a new way of living together that facilitates both his way of living and mine. See the house in a new way and try to invent new ways of living in it. Having an intellectual goal of my own and a separate room to work on it will help. (a previous solution of mine didn’t work: me living my way in the house and having him stay there too. The house is too big for one person to run. And I still got annoyed that he didn’t read my mind).
9. LANGUAGE. communicate in another media altogether? I lack even more skills in those…  A solution might be to not care so much about being understood completely. Allow room for alternate interpretations of my message and the novel thoughts they may provoke, in both the listener and in me. Adapting this attitude does require some sadness over not being well understood. Basically it tells you you are alone in this life… But if you allow for the sadness you will notice that in other ways people will assure you you are not alone. You’re thoughts are just not that well understood as they are in your head. But you áre known and you áre not alone in this world.
10. ROTATING FASCINATIONS. Right now I seem to want to block print large sheets of paper, using the printing press. Enjoying an adventure through colours, types of ink and paint, paper and shapes. I could call it wall paper. Sellable artisan wall paper. But I also want to explore lines and illustration and make a little magazine. And I’m learning to sew Haute Couture style. And I’m making a Faraday’s cage. I need to grasp all these fascinations before they grow stale or wither! The solution is to have one job per day. AND have a tangible result to work towards. Even use this as a deadline, to get going every day.
11. FLEXIBILITY My routines need to be robust but they need not be a harness. There are four things essential in my day: there MUST be food, there MUST be clothes, there MUST be one hour rest on the couch around midday. Also I MUST go pee. Well… that’s not too many musts. That leaves plenty of room to accommodate for unexpected inspirations. All other things can be pushed away or postponed. For example, I can get through the day without brushing teeth (because of my diet). I can live with messy hair. I can walk outside without scaring the neighbours. As long as these four “MUSTs” are met there’s nothing threatening me and I can feel free to drop all other to-do’s and want-to’s and ought-to’s. This is a conscious decision, an attitude I can adopt. A mental attitude.

Hey, this is workable!

pic by ItsMe1985

CONCLUSIONS about HOW MY LIFE IS MEANINGFUL

I get a sense of meaningfulness when my life revolves around exploring a fascination. Explore, play, create. I like to connect with people, using some sort of representation of that explored fascination.

I get a sense of meaningfulness when my life revolves around experiencing good emotions. I like to share these emotional experiences with people. This means going out and experiencing them together. I like that.

Relaxing and sharing relaxing time with friends are also very meaningful past times. No measurable result needs to come from this. Preferably not, actually!

Because of health and character I need certain things in my day. Upon inspection these are not too demanding, if I plan them smartly and if I lessen expectations on all the other things my busy perfectionist brain thinks up. Focusing on the priorities and that they are met should be enough to make me proud of how I live my daily life. Focusing is a conscious decision. A new habit to form. Extremely doable.

I still loose energy when in company of my husband. Has been like this for 15 years. I have no solution. Yet.

I do not need to worry about which fascination to explore, I can do 5 jobs in 5 days. There will always emerge new fascinations, I do not need to worry if one passes me by or when progress is too slow.

Funny how morals, salary, fame or what “they” think of me plays no part in the actual meaning of (my) life. I’ve shed the previous notions of how to rank a human life completely, for me it is enough to go by that inner compass, the one without words. Because in the core I am a decent person, someone with a tendency to do the right thing. I no longer need to worry about that, I can just go about my business and live the life that makes me happy.

brilliant picture by John Nyberg

EPILOGUE

This is the last part, part 8, in a series in which I think myself towards a meaningful life. So I do not feel worthless anymore. Which I did, often and always, as hinted at for a bit in this post.

Coming back to that original post, “A Useless Life”, my feelings were influenced not only by other people’s ideas but also by my tendency to observe and judge myself all the time. This habit is now gone. (yes, I can shed habits that quickly. It correlates with the intensity of the epiphany how wrong or damaging the habit is. I’d call it “a duh! consequence”)

Also I did not distinguish clearly between relaxing time (laying on the couch being “useless”) and production time (which can also be spend on the couch, drawing or writing or thinking). And I was rebelling against how much time I need to lay down, because it feels like loosing to this disease. This is a battle I have twice or three times each year. (ok, three times at least each year, accompanied by a rage because usually I caused it myself by doing too much). It’s always difficult to surrender. To give up, to clear the calendar. To take the disappointments.

It doesn’t reflect on the meaningfulness though. It only requests I shift gears and  rearrange the pace of my days. An additional problem is that in those episodes I cannot think very clear, cannot make those decisions very consciously. I guess I could write down my strategies on a couple of post-its so I have a manual for when the next episode hits…

Looking back at that post about being useless there were three things convincing me. I could logically argue why and how I was useless. I felt useless. I knew it to be true.

While looking into this in the 8 parts you find on this blog I can now conclude that the premisses of my logic was flawed. As was the habit of judging and the standards I used for ranking.  The feeling of uselessness came from focussing on wrong things. Replacing the logic and the premisses and the habits automatically shifted my focus and lead to other feelings. (I don’t think you can change the way you feel about something without a change of view point. You can’t redirect emotions by will.)

The knowing it to be true comes from the feeling and the logic and an insecurity thing or two I picked up in childhood. I don’t know how to fix that last part. Therapy? A healing ritual? Or just living the good life until a new conviction of worthiness takes hold? I’m betting on the last one.

pic by Alicia Solario

Here are the other posts in this series:

1. being in existence
2. being human
3. being judgemental
4. having values
5. having a brain
6. having a heart
7. being me
8. being perfect or just admitting I can’t count

Reasoning towards a meaningful life part 7: Being Me.

This is part 7 in my 5 part thinking exercise to declutter my brain and get a proper framework for determining when/how/if I lead a meaningful life.

In previous parts I have determined that proper standards for meaningfulness can only come from accepting I am human. This comes with the human traits of having a brain that loves to be engaged, learn and play. With having a heart that loves to be swept of its feet. With having eyes that love to feast on things and having hands that love to touch. And with being a social animal that needs other humans to be happy.

I’ve also determined that at the moment I’m cramping my style by using too rigid values, premisses and habits which I’ve picked up from my upbringing and social groups I participate(d) in.

While writing this part, #7, I reached one conclusion I want to share with you upfront: my inner moral compass is good. Basically I am a decent person, with good morals. I cannot properly wrap this compass into words, I cannot articulate the premisses or values it uses. But I can trust it to make decisions without trying to justify them or couple them to values or premisses I’ve picked up along the way.

This gives me freedom. It also feels a bit daredevelish, since I’ve seldom made choices without words and constructions and logical foundation. Ha, this whole blog is evidence of that! But hey, I am going to use that freedom to determine what it means to be me and try to connect it to how that will make me lead a meaningful life. Off with the blinders!

PART 7: BEING ME
So, carefree and without justification I’ll now name some things that make me deliriously happy:

• Artisan work. I love smart hands and what they produce. Where I to do my life over I would have skipped University and would have learned a trade.
• Natural materials. Wood, paper, porcelain, glass, trees, wool, silk. The joy my hands feel.
• Quick results. I’m good at peaking in the moment. Making something in one afternoon. I give it all and I get results. This makes me happy.
• Exploring a fascination. I need some sort of intellectual component in my work. This can be an all intellectual endeavour such as writing a popular science article. Or the artist’s fascinations of getting colours just right and together.
• Having interesting points of view on most things in life, original views. I can make people look anew to things. I love to make myself look anew to things. I am most happy when I shed my blinders and find a whole new way of looking at things.
• cuddling with the cat.
• sitting at an airport or city cafe and watching people
• sleeping or being in my bed
• laying in a golden wheatfield in August with birds playing overhead. Kayaking along the edges of a fjord, looking at plants and animals, talking to the mountains. Roaming through the forests of Norway, becoming a wood spirit. (this last one actually can make me insane, I fear)
• humour. I enjoy seeing the fun of things.
• …

ABOUT ARTISAN WORK

I’d love to be a artisan. To know a trade. To have magical hand. I could seriously contemplate learning a trade at my age and start a new life.

The only trouble is, I wouldn’t know what to chose. What niche to call my own… what would the subject and skill be that even today -while I’m still chronicly fatigued- I’d gladly wake up for in the middle of the night, pack the cat and some lunch and go out to do?

some things come to mind immediately.

• running reindeer in the north
• designing and making little carroussels that can be run by one person sitting in a lazy chair using two bike pedals. A small thing perfect for a street corner, allowing three children at a time to ride. Handcarved horses from wood. Glorious paint jobs. Stained glass in steel at the top.
• making and selling artisan chocolats on farmer markets in Norway
• printing wallpaper by hand from woodblocks in bright colours (I’d have such an interesting palette! not the duplo colours either)

These are dreams springing from the heart! No justification, no practical sense. These are all careers I have seriously contemplated at one point in my life, even researched. Even today I would wake up for them gladly. Should I contemplate starting one of them again? There áre some practical issues to resolve…

No, no, no. This post is not for the practical, the editor, the planner. This post is for the dreamer, the playful person, the optimist. She tells me I delight in skill.

ABOUT NATURAL MATERIALS

Celebrating the sense of the fingertops. The smell of cut wood, oak wood.

I have a feel and a love for natural materials. These will be a part of my meaningful life for sure.

ABOUT QUICK RESULTS

This gives a nice idea how I am to plan my time. It will be a good idea to dedicate a day or part of a day to one project at  a time. I will get things done. I know I will get in the right mind set to get the job done. This is a time management style that fits me.

Results are important to me, apparently. I need some sort of closure to the exploration of a fascination. A tangible goal to work towards to.

ABOUT FASCINATIONS

They will come and they will continue to come for the rest of my life. I have no fear of ever running out. I do have a bit of a problem of choosing which fascination to explore here and now. Allotting time and effort. I have already determined on this blog that I can do it all, if I work one fascination for each day of the week. I’m not sure this strategy works permanently but it’s a good starting point.

Exploring my fascination-du-jour is important, it is what makes me happy.

There are some fascinations that I keep coming back to:

• Colours and shapes. Visual art, paintings, colour blocks.
• Spatial design. City spaces, architecture, landscape design, sculpture.
• Lines, silhouettes, shapes and countershapes, black and white.
• Scientific workings. (body, digestion, cell functions, enzyme conversions, bacteria etc.)

ABOUT INTERESTING VIEWS

I have them. I like it. Other people like it too. It comes natural to me, I don’t have to work for it.

I have specific memories about times when I found a new way of looking at things. Like that time at architect university when I first learned to look at spaces instead of masses. Or a few years later when I first laid in a park, in the sun, without a thought in my mind. Or when a mushroom experience showed me my sight is restricted by my brain and habits. Or when I lost colour sensation due to hormonal imbalance. Or as a child when I first noticed the skin changes on my hands, when the ‘grid’ showed first. Or seeing letters in scribbles for the first time.

Is this normal, to have a memory bank of these experiences? It’s like a photo album I keep. I don’t remember birthdays or school events, I remember the times when I gained a new way of looking at things.

Finding a new way of looking at something also gives me the giggles. It’s really fun.

ABOUT CUDDLING THE CAT

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that this holds a spiritual aspect for me. I learn from my cat how to live. What a good pace is to live through the day. What good activities are (“don’t run around all the time, rest and relax in the sun for a while too!”). The importance of stretching for the health of the body.

ABOUT WATCHING URBAN PEOPLE

What can I say…
ABOUT SPENDING TIME IN BED

It’s when I recuperate. I should not feel guilty or useless when I spend time in bed. It is good for me. I should be proud.

ABOUT BEING IN NATURE

I have not much to say about this. There was a time when I needed to visit patches of forest at least every week because I would be totally overwhelmed otherwise. This was when I was working in an office, making a career. Living in a city made of concrete. In this country, the Netherlands, that is so filled with concrete.

Then there was the time I roamed the Norwegian forest near Bergen and almost went insane. I’m still not sure whether it was the path to insanity or to artist’s grandeur. Or both. Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve walked that path to the end, for the sake of art. But it would cost. At least my connection to the people I love and people in general.

For now I hold the view that what happened in Norway was an example of beginning perversion, where a good thing gets carried too far and damages a person. But it will be one of those things I’ll keep wondering about right until the day I die. Perhaps one of the regrets.

ABOUT BEING ALMOST DEAD

As you know, at the moment I have this cold. No biggy, no worries. It is almost gone now.

But there’s also something else going on in my health, a current running underneath that has been bugging me for months now. The doctor agreed and yesterday I had an echo of the belly. An echography of both upper part and lower part. We suspect it’s gall stones. We hope it is! Because other things might be more problematic.

“Other things” might be some sort of intestine illness (sigh…). Or a growth (yikes!). Or something I wrecked with that unusual diet I eat or the medicines I take (oh no, I made a mistake!).

Of course all kind of scenarios ran through my mind. Especially the kind where they discover something lumpy and nasty and they have to tell me, wringing their hands, that I only have three months left to live.

disclaimer: these kind of dying-fantasies seem very human to me and I’m not apologizing for them. Not even for the part where I seriously spend time thinking about how I would break this news to my (online) friends and how I would handle my own death on internet without faking it. I’m only human, thinking up horror scenarios is what we do.

disclaimer to the disclaimer: shall we share a howling belly laugh when I dó get lumpy-news in a couple of days? 

disclaimer to the disclaimer to the disclaimer: you know I am trying to jinx possible lumpiness by writing about it of course. I am such a human!

The reason I’m openly showing you my morbid thoughts is because amidst this vanity indulgence there was half an hour where I actually had myself seriously considering what to do with the rest of my life if I only had three months left to live. That’s now until February.

What would I do?

Two things emerged quite forcefully:

1. I would work. I would work every day. I would explore one fascination and would bring it to an end result. I have not chosen which fascination, that depends on the moment this actually happens I guess. It is still a fantasy at this point.
2. I would involve my friends in getting to terms with me being around for a limited amount of time in my own way. I would have nothing (or very few) of the lamenting and the woes and the doe eyes. Instead I would show them a way of bringing the life of a friend to conclusion. My way. Probably a bit different from how ‘normal people’ do. I would talk openly about it. I would insist on hard core yoking. And I would continue to sweat the small stuff with them because that’s what daily life is, moaning when you get rained on or when people cold calling or hurting your toe. Also, I would have a party or two, at least one where they get to plunder my wool stash.

This is a novel way for me to find truths within myself. No thinking, no words. Just a strong incentive and up they bubble! Very interesting.
I won’t question these two things that came up. I will just take them and accept them. Should I get “lumpy news” from the doctor I’ll approach my friends in the manner I’ve described.
And the first thing… it tells me I am ready to work. Yay!

 

ABOUT FUN

I try and find fun in things. All things. This too comes naturally to me, it comes at no effort. Sometimes it takes a bit of effort, when I get miffed at a posting on the knitting forum. But this always comes down at trying to see things from another perspective, which is always an interesting exercise to me.

When I feel good I see fun everywhere. It seems I emphasize it automatically. It enhances my happiness.

I particularly enjoy thinking up stories. They always have a funny aspect to them. Like the drawings of Quentin Blake.

 

CONCLUSIONS
I can trust my inner compass when I make choices and decisions. No need for justifications or logical explanations.

When doing something that makes me happy my life is meaningful.

Skills involving my hands and natural materials are key in making me happy.

Exploring a fascination is essential. A tangible result of this exploration too. My fascinations run for about 3 months at a time. Or 2 weeks. I like to emerge myself in the subject for that time.

My fascinations revolves around colours, shapes, spatial design and experiences, science. Lots of them involve play. Playful investigation. Trying out new tangents without being hung up on the outcome or the route.

Spending time in my bed is important.

I am ready to take on a fascination and run with it for the next few weeks. I am ready to wórk!

I can take the fun-loving habit of mine and use it as a driving force. I am getting feedback from people that they enjoy that part of me manifesting itself in the world.

This is part 7 in a series in which I think myself towards a meaningful life. So I don’t feel worthless anymore.

1. being in existence
2. being human
3. being judgemental
4. having values
5. having a brain
6. having a heart
7. being me
8. being perfectionist or just admitting you can’t count

moving towards illustrating

Still thinking about making my life meaningful

 

somehow rekindled my interest in illustration. Particularly making beautiful ink lines with a brush.

It’s what I love about Sumi-é. And it is what I admire in comics. I have tried before to make beautiful lines but I never found the tool that suited my hand. Well, except for sumi-é brushes but they must be used on rice paper. (I feel).

Laying sick in bed the last past weeks I read a lot of blogs. For example Sweasel.com:

 

Entertaining and funny. I liked it so much that I started reading it from the start, all the way back when we were young and the world made sense. There’s so much fun to read in the comments! Lovely past time for the brain fogged. The owner is an illustrator by trade and lets you freely steal and paste the art all over the web. I paste it all over this page, all art today by sweasel.com!

 

 

Somewhere in 2007 in the comments they talked about illustrating. And linked to this site called hand-print.com where a guy talks a lot about all the different brushes there are. Finally! An explanation! A map!

That lead me to a search about “Kolinsky” which is some kind of weasel in Russia whose hairs have magic properties.

 

magic weasel

 

The hairs of the tail of the male are used to make brushes. Each hair tapers to the end, making for brushes that hold a lot of ink while having a fine point and bouncing back in form every time you release pressure from the paper. They are expensive brushes! 20 to 30$ for a brush!

Which is why lots of other brushes are also called “kolinsky” but may not contain any magic weasel. Magic stoat, magic squirrel but no magic weasel. Even if a “kolinsky” brush really is made of Kolinsky weasel it may not have been made properly. Any stray hair can ruin the brush. Buying any brush without checking its quality is a big gamble.

Learning about “Kolinksy” and wanting to learn how to find a good brush lead to the blog www.comic-tools.com. Which is a GOLD MINE for the “love-ink-don’t-know-where-to-start”- people among us. If only this blog provides me with more words to pour into the google and the youtube! Searching for “Ink”, “inking”, “expressive line”, “brush”, ‘”thumbnailing”, “Windsor and Newton series 7 #2”, “dr. Martins Blackstar High Carb”, “calligraphy line”, “cola pen”, “Bristol Board” helps me to hone in on that niche in art that particularly holds my interest. That makes my heart sing (which is a good compass for finding out what makes my life meaningful. But more about that later)

There’s a whole scene of people who have a love for expressive black lines and made it their profession! They are the people that “ink a comic”. They know about the love your hands and eyes feel when a line comes out just right. Or better than you’d expected. The joy of good tools. Et cetera.

 

 

Reading the comic-tool blog made things come together for me. Here’s talk of ink! Here’s talk of brushes that bounce back and are able to make a thin line thick and then thin again! Just like I love with my quality sumi-é brushes (which I would never use with commercial ink, only the hand made Japanese ink.) There’s even talk about my experience that seems very common: trying to make beautiful ink lines with an inferior brush -especially an expensive one!- will turn you away from brushes. Stray hairs ruin the crispness, bad brush posture will spread the hairs and make an ugly line.

I’ve found some friends, momma!

Suddenly I saw a line from my past running into my present. I have always loved comics, especially the monochrome ones, with clear contrast and expressive lines. Interesting page build ups. Visual inventions. I bored my fellow students at the academy with them. Without drawing myself!

Before and after the academy I’ve done sumi-é brushwork, experiencing the joy of a good brush and good ink and developing technique. Learning to hold my brush vertical. Which is how comic ink people hold their brush too!

Ahhh… now I have a chance to make those pencil drawings from a few weeks back into something more. But first: the hunt for a good brush.

My local artist supply shop was unfriendly today, they clearly thought I was nuts. And a nuisance. Even though I admitted to be a beginner and having beginners questions. Because I had just learned that to find a good brush you’d best dip it in water, let it soak up all it can. Then tap it once (on your wrist, for example) and then look at the fur. It should have snapped into a perfect shape. No stray hairs. A sharp point. Perfect shape.

 

“Well, we don’t have water here.” the woman said, shrugging.

“So how do people asses the quality of a brush?” I asked.

“By buying them!”

I’m not buying a 20 to 30$ brush without trying it out when expert users tell me maybe 5 in every 10 expensive brushes are usable! But I didn’t tell her. Instead I asked about the difference between drawing ink, calligraphy ink and east Indian ink. Which was also a stupid question, apparantly…

Well, I won’t be going back there any time soon. (Luckily the lady at the chocolate shop was much nicer.)

Back home I went online and ordered a couple of brushes from Rosemary & Co in the UK. The people over at comic-tools.com are no longer enthousiastic about the quality of those brushes but I might get lucky and with their cheap prices I don’t mind to gamble. I ordered some Kolinsky’s and also a couple of nylon brushes. I would like to investigate how well the nylon brushes have been innovated the last couple of years. Perhaps by now they are able to make a brush that’s flexible, retains its form and doesn’t have stray hairs.

The trip to the shop was exhausting so no more playing today nor tomorrow. Perhaps later in the week.

 

In the mean time:

and I would welcome it too.

Here again is the link for sweasel.com

 

Reasoning towards a meaningful life, part 7: Being Me

Two more stops remain in my thinking exercise to shut up the feelings of unworthiness for once and for all. Today I meant to think about being me and what would truly give me a feel of worth, now that I have identified the white noise coming from other people’s values, my habits and faulty assumptions.

Unfortunately I’m having a cold and have trouble thinking clearly. A nice attempt to self sabotage. Also, I mislaid the used envelope on which I scribbled the keywords. Sabotage attempt nr 2.

So I’ll just write down some of the things that belong in this part. Later on I’ll try to make it into a coherent thought.

part 7: BEING ME

About what makes me feel worthy. Do not think about what is practical or what my daily limitations are, those are for part 8. Now I look at what makes me sing, what makes me happy (intellectually and otherwise)

BEING ME.

I like an intellectual adventure. Thinking my way through something. It’s that sublimation thing I talked about.

.

.

ehh…?

.

.

o

duh!

I didn’t use an old envelope, I used my green owls notebook! I even showed you a picture of it!  Duh.

I remember where I left that!

 

right, here we go:

• working on a fascination makes me feel good. Useful. Worthy.
• I need a visible endresult to feel good. The work needs to be concluded (not just be abandonded) and it needs to be visible. Perhaps aknowledged by others too.
• a new fascination will always pop up
• when there’s a bit of time between concluding of one fascination and the beginning of another I can easily start to feel worthless

What? That’s all I wrote? I thought so much more! There’s other things I want to say here. About what kind of fascinations, what kind of results. About being with friends. Even a brilliant piece about pretending I only have 3 months to live (as you do when  you get a cold) and what nugget it brought up. But I’m too muddled right now to remember coherently!

I’m going to leave this here, as a starting point to build upon.

it had to do with blockprinting…working in my loft… producing a calender… I don’t remember! Aaaagh!

 pic by Powerpay

Intermezzo: Taking Back Halloween!

This is exactly what we need: Halloween costumes for women with imagination!

The people of TakeBackHalloween.org offer costume ideas featuring historic women, goddesses and queens without any need for sewing or showing your belly button or boobs.
Just the fun of dressing up with a good serving of female pride on the side! A great alternative to being another sexy nurse/kitty/witch/hamburger because that’s nót what dressing up is about.

pic by Andy Marlette

 

 

They offer the costume idea plus information on the person it depicts. With pictures. Some of these women I’ve never heard of. And I woulda shoulda! Because there are many more strong, intelligent, stubborn, smart, powerful and weird women than old skool wikipedia has led mankind to believe for centuries.

 

Ching Shih, or Madame Ching, was one of the most successful pirates in history.

Hedy Lamarr, moviestar/inventor. Patented frequency hopping, making your cellphone work today.

 

Queen Liliuokalani was the last reigning monarch of the Kingdom of Hawaii.

Grace Hopper, receiver of first Computer Sciences Man of the Year Award ever because she was the driving force behind computer programming and use. Also Admiral.

Check out their website and consider sponsoring them in their Kickstarter as they run this operation and site without adverts or endorsements.

HA! Brilliant!

Reasoning towards a meaningful life, part 6: having a heart

Having a heart is typical human. Compassion, love, delight, joy are important things. Emotions are important things. They probably should have a say when evaluating the worth of the life one leads.

 pic by Benis Arapovic

It is our heart that allows us to get ecstatic. I lack the right word in English for what I want to describe here, the Dutch word is “vervoering”. It is when you get swept off your feet. Experience something greater than yourself. It’s a good thing, an totally enjoyable thing. It has nothing of the sharpness that can come with the English word “ecstasy”.

The experience of being “in vervoering” can be prompted by a love experience, by your child, by your partner, by sex, by dancing, by religion, by a group experience. But also by a quiet, harmonious experience like as seeing a little child comforting its brother who has just bumped his head.

 pic by Jenben24

To be able to be swept off ones feet might be one of the most important things in a human life.

I also suspect that biologically it connects with the delight of sublime experiences I described in the previous part: having a brain.

Experiencing being swept of your feet cannot be judged with the brain. Or with moral values. It is outside the realm of things I use to conclude I’m useless in life.

PERVERSION
Experiencing this heart-thing or trying to relive the experience can easily evolve into perversion. Just like striving for sublimation to excite the brain can evolve in all kinds of addictions and mass delusions about what makes life valuable. Perverted excitement of the heart results in being overwhelmed by the emotions so much that you completely lose yourself and get truly rattled by that experience. It will make you feel desperate. Adrift.

SURPRESSION
Tempering the experience and being careful to never getting to the stage of excitement is no good either. You cage yourself. You hold back. You do not experience life to the fullest.

Getting swept of your feet is one experience that is powerfully clear in its message: “I am alive!”

No argument then. Experiencing the heart is one of the things that makes life worth living.

CONCLUSION

Being “in vervoering”, being swept of your feet, is something everybody needs to experience in life, at least once. It is one of the things that makes life worthy.

pic by Fernando Audibert

This is part 6 in a series in which I think myself towards a meaningful life. So I don’t feel worthless anymore.

1. being in existence
2. being human
3. being judgemental
4. having values
5. having a brain
6. having a heart
7. being me
8. being perfectionist or just admitting you can’t count

Reasoning towards a meaningful life, part 5: having a brain

To summarize the previous posts: feeling of worth can only come when I judge myself based on me being human and having human values. The human values are fluid and not clear cut. When judging myself I have to take make room for the validity of emotional standards and my unhealthy habit of comparing and judging all the time (on false premisses).

Now I want to look at that typical human asset, the brain, and how having one can give meaning to ones life.

 pic by ArtM

Having intellect is typical human.

No wait, I mean this the other way around since I do not assume other creatures to be void of intellect: “leading a meaningful life as a human involves the brain.”

Our intellect allows us to appreciate the finer things in life. The more complex things. The various connections a subject has to other subjects. To be more clear, I’m thinking here of the intellectual pleasure we can derive from art, literature, opera, fine bone china, architecture, urban coffee culture, fashion, mathematics, cinema, chess, politics, teenage fashion et cetera. All the things that are more than just things.

pic by Martin Walls

This indulging of the intellectual pleasure, this high flying of the mind, can go o extremes and become ugly and sickening. For example urban culture and office politics can easily migrate to rat race and adrenal pushing. Caffeïne addiction. Judging an extrovert lifestyle superior to an introvert one.

Leading an up beat life is exhillerating and fun but it is not good when it goes too extreme. This lifestyle is nonetheless glorified and presented as normal in adverts, sporting events, media circusses and American tv-series such as US Scandal (which I love to watch. But it’s too adrenal, the people are too witty and life goes too fast.)

There’s nothing wrong with high speed entertainment. There’s nothing wrong with an extrovert lifestyle.

There’s something wrong when we get addicted to it, when we take it to extremes and when there’s a group delusion that this kind of lifestyle is very worthy and to be desired.

 pic by Mark Normand

Returning to the joys of having a brain.

Things that delight the brain (or make us delight in having a brain) al seem to be more than the thing presented. Architecture is more than a building. Chess is more than a game.

This is called sublimation. And I think that enjoying something sublime is a biological thing. Certainly not logical. Even though it starts and ends with the brain and the brain alone.

 pic by Macin Smolinski

Animals know sublimation too. Sea gull chicks tap the red spot on the bill of their parents to make them regurgitate food. When presented with a lollipop stick with a red dot on them, they’ll tap on it. If presented with a stick with a bigger red dot on it, they tap it harder. When presented with a stick with the biggest red dot on it they’ve ever seen and unthinkable for any seagull they blow their little minds, will ignore their parents and will tap that big red dot. They experience sublimation. (see footnote)

Humans can do the same. I suspect big round breasts do something like that for men, even if they are bigger than breasts they’ve ever seen and are unthinkable for any human.

A more harmonious sublimal pleasure can be derived from the fields of culture I gave some examples of. I think it is important for a human being to have this in her life. I think it will make life meaningful. = CONCLUSION

Having said so I realize this pleasure is private, intern, solo. Let me think about that some more.

This is part 5 in a series in which I think myself towards a meaningful life. So I don’t feel worthless anymore.

1. being in existence
2. being human
3. being judgemental
4. having values
5. having a brain
6. having a heart
7. being me
8. being perfectionist or just admitting you can’t count

 pic by Serkan Ozcan

footnote:

The seagull experiment was done by Nobel Prize winning biologist Nico Tinbergen. He didn’t use bare lollipop sticks but sticks with the shape of a sea gull head glued to it. He used different coloured dots on different parts of the silhouette. The interpretation of the experiments and research needs a bit more nuancing than I’ve presented it above.

I still suspect animals are capable of sublimation. I know the human animal is.

Reasoning towards a meaningful life, part 4: Values

This is part 4 in a 5 part exercise to reason myself out of leading a worthless life.

In this part I’ll look at the values and morals we bring to the table when comparing and judging the world and ourselves. In a simple view I’d say our values are the things we base our views and judgements on. The measuring tape we apply. I want to know if these values make sense. I have a feeling they are not very consciously installed.

pic by Michaela Kobyakov

Most values on which we base our opinions (of ourselves) are influenced by:

• group ideas
• habits
• examples
• the way you were raised

pic by Marcus Österberg

GROUP IDEAS

Psychologists and Social Scientists have written plenty enough books about how our personal morals are shaped and influenced by the group in which we exist. Being it a circle of family, a circle of friends, a religion circle or people you identify with over the internet or television shows.

Excesses are peer pressure, collective blind spots, censure, masse hysteria and people who do not pick up on values: the psychopaths. But we’ll leave the excesses for the scientists, I want to think about the normal, soft-spoken values all of us got and keep getting from the groups of people we interact with.

Group values we internalize are about social behaviour, decency, bodily presentation, whether leadership is desired, whether personal sacrifices are desired, should we be obedient, which things we should be outraged about, which things in life are desirable and many more.

pic by Scasha

Of course a group has a different goal than an individual. Perhaps its values should be examined and judged before embracing them as our own?

Ah, but since values are such a muddled bunch, it is hard to distinguish were your own moral values centre around and which one are based on the group you’ve been hanging out with.
Perhaps this is not a problem after all. We are group animals after all. Perhaps we can rely on group values to be of some good for individuals too.

pic by Danagouws

One thing to do help us distinguishing some between group values and personal morals is comparing different groups. When you travel to another country it is very easy to pick up on the difference in “value flavour”.
For example: the Dutch are very much about efficiency. We will try to optimalise any production process. We’re also a trading country for centuries and we’re quite practical when it comes to marrying morals with profit. Outbursts, flamboyance and patriotism is not in our blood.
Norway, on the other hand, values family time highly. Women are equal to men and this shows in society. They love to spend time outdoors. There are
Norsk people get tired quickly when dealing with Dutch people trying to set up business in Norway. They are so pushy! They take no time to live, to obey the subtle pleasantries of human interaction. The Dutch get frustrated with the Norwegians, everything is so slow and fluid! No solid information is given, no initiaries.
A good example how departure from different values makes for different “flavour”.

pic by Arancia

Another example is how as a culture the USA views and values workers in retail and food industry. They are servers. They are servants. They are there to serve you. You can talk down to them. You are the costumer.
In the Netherlands, and also in France, it is different. People working in shops and cafe’s are the hosts of that venue. You are a guest. As a guest you are expected to be polite. You greet the server upon entering. You thank them when they hand you something. Even though you bring money you are dependent on the server and it’s a joint collaboration to get you the product/experience you desire. You are not better than the person helping you.

Traveling and talking to people from other countries and other social groups is good way to examine the values one takes from their own country and their own groups. Do I want to be a down to earth, efficient Dutch woman? Do I want to embrace the love for tv shows about singing? Do I want to join in the conviction society is crumbling down and we are no longer safe in our own homes?

Groups can have some specific and quirky ideas about life and what makes a valuable life.

HABITS

We are also creatures of habit. We’re lazy beings, mostly. Once your values are established and you use them to judge yourselves and others, it’s far easier to keep reusing them than it is to re-evaluate them once in a while.

I’ve got a life to live, I’m busy as it is, get away from me!
pic by Piotr Bizior

Re-evalution of ones morals and values feels like another chore to jot down on the old to-do list…

hmm. A new habit can be installed though. Without examining the values in dept. So that’s half the chore then. Doable. Especially when it’s wrapped in another new habit that is installed, such as judging less.

EXAMPLES

pic by Marinela Prodan

We pick up plenty values from other people. Being it aunts who like to dress up or famous people.
In my society examples are presented through the media a lot. I have to keep in mind media filter and colour every story to serve their own media goals.
I also have to keep in mind that any other person I look at in order to learn from, I’m looking from the outside. From the outside, exemplary people often look coherent. Consistent.
I have no clue about their inner torrents and multiplicity. I should remind myself that these people too have rich inner lives and are not as clear cut internally as they appear on the outside. I should not expect myself to be.

Famous people and media also help to shift values and morals. We all know examples of media stories where suddenly it is ok to say something about other people, to voice (or even have) an opinion that was unthinkable 20 years ago.
An opinion about Muslims. Homosexuals. Women providing home lives. Evolutionists. Surgeons. Cyclists. Squirrels.
We should not take those opinions and run with them. We should not get caught up in the crazy of today. We should not be quick to adapt our values based on the news.

THE WAY YOU WERE RAISED
This is a strong well of values from which you have taken many. It’s a good idea to shed some of them. To dilute all of them.
As a child it was probably easier to handle life by seeing things in black and white. As an adult you know the world isn’t like that. It’s a complex world. There are no clear cut truths. This is nothing to be worried about, complexity is not more difficult to handle than simplicity.
It’s just more nuanced. And a great source of beauty.

CONCLUSION
Values are taken from many sources outside of us. Groups, other individuals and child hood habits. It’s a good idea to be more mellow, to ease up. Both on the values and on the sources you took them from.

pic by Belovodchenko Anton

This is part 4 in a 5 part thinking exercise. Here are the other parts:

1. being in existence
2. being human
3. being judgemental
4. having values
5. having a brain
6. having a heart
7. being me
8. being perfectionist or just admitting you can’t count

Ain’t this grand, I have a cold!

The sniffles. A snotneus. Inflamed throat. Just the common cold.

Haven’t gotten one for years, what with my immune system all in harms through lack of soothing cortisol levels. Used to get them all the time before I got Adrenal Fatigue.

Now I’m even more confused than usual about how to get through a day healthily.

My body clearly is under extra stress now so I should take more hydrocortisone, right? But more cortisol will dampen the imune system more, crippling its ability to fight this cold. The third side of the coin is that I am under extra stress to be in optimum health PRONTO because we’ve planned a family trip and I’m not well enough, even without the cold.

I feel stupid. Because there’s no clear strategy to be decided upon. And the more I stress the more vulnerable I get.

In the mean time I’ve been waken up from bodily stress after only 3 hours of sleep for five nights in a row now. (normally I get five with perhaps another two hours later in the night). Going that long on that few hours of sleep isn’t good. And it impairs my thinking even more.

One thing it does make clear is that I need that cortisol. I now take it at night, when I wake up in that fit of sweat, coughs and sniffles. It takes two hours for my body to calm down, I aid it with progesteron and hydrocortison because the first few nights taught me that without it my body will not calm down. Or have intestine motility.

It’s a strange experience to get to a calm place by taking hydrocortisone… An activating hormone. Calm enough to perhaps doze off for another hour when morning comes. Calm enough to tend to other bodily functions such as digestion. Relaxed muscles.

But is it a calm from rescuing the body from a shortage of cortisol or a calm from oppressing the imune system andthusly disabling the fight it needs to fight?

I really am without a clue.