Life: drop the ball, keep playing, muster magic.

On Friday I dropped the ball.
I forgot to take my hydrocortisone around 4 o’clock in the afternoon and also any dose after that. This happens. There’s so much I have to keep track of during a day that I just forget. There’s always medicine to take and bodily assessments to make and correct -all day long!-  and I’ve got to plan ahead a lot because things take time to take effect.

As each day is different, both in schedule and in how ill I am, there’s no fixed routine I can keep to. I have to tailor every day. The medicines I take I prefer to take in small doses through the day. Having a sensitive body and sensitive brain chemistry makes that this works better for me. Hydrocortisone and progesterone and magnesium and valerian are best dosed throughout the day instead of one big pill in the morning or at night. It’s a bit more work…

There’s also the added nuisance of remembering it’s time for medicine just when you’re sitting on the couch, deeply engaged in something interesting. While the medicine is in the kitchen.

Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it in a minute!

Somehow that minute never comes …

 pic by Odan Jaeger

So no hydrocortisone on Friday afternoon and I didn’t notice. I still had my dinner: fatty chicken soup and fatty chocolate ganache and lots of fatty whipped cream. And then I didn’t lay down after dinner… because we were all bundled up on the couch together, watching videos (dh and me), knitting (me) and snoring (the cats).

By 8 o’clock I grew nauseous. I realized what had happened but as it was a bit too late at night to take cortisol. So I started to sit upright and took npc. Later on I took a bit of diluted vinegar. While standing I remembered my body had been wanting to visit the bathroom for a while now, nr2. So I went to the toilet and had an unpleasant time there. I returned to the couch still nauseous and now topped with a vegetative reaction to the bowel movement. Was it a vaso vegal reaction? It was some kind of primal body reaction anyway: the one where you get either very hot or very cold, with clammy hands, shivering all over and you feel utterly rubbish.

Everybody got kicked off the couch so I could lay down. I took some hydrocortisone which is always nearby (by now it was nearing half past 8 at night, but it was needed).

 pic by Chris van der Berg

I remained on the couch, covered in wool.

I was cold and nauseous and miserable. And grateful to be in a horizontal position. After a while the cortisone was converted to cortisol in my body and I felt its effects. The reaction it provoked? I got extremely sleepy. There’s something to think about. Usually cortisol is an activating hormone. Unless it soothes the immune system.

I dragged myself upstairs and fell asleep. It was half past nine.

A small crisis, all because I forgot my dose.

 pic by Sebnem Imece


Of course it wasn’t over with one night’s sleep.

First of all, it wasn’t a night’s sleep. I slept from 21.30 until 2.30 hour. I woke up refreshed, in fact I was sure it was 6 o’clock in the morning or something because I felt so good and that’s why I didn’t resist waking up all the way. I wasn’t warm or cold either, just toasty. When I figured out what time it actually was I just laid there, waiting out the peak of excited neurotransmitters. I still felt a bit nauseous now and then. Could taste the ganache. Vowed to never eat again. Took some npc.

 pic by Esther Groen

My second sleep was from 5 till 8.30. From which I awoke very tired and groggy. It took a long, long time to arrive back into the world of the living. And lots of cortisol.

All of Saturday I had to carefully walk the fine line between too much and not enough. Take rest, take medicines, pace myself, have a bit of food, leave half of it, start a project, stall it, take supplements, take rest.

I felt utterly dumb for forgetting the afternoon doses the day before and bringing such a wreck upon myself. Now I was paying for it. I had to be really careful the whole day and the illustrating I was looking so much forward too suffered from it and was hard to do.

I felt dumb.

 pic by Judy Roberson

I felt so very dumb.

But later, that evening, I started to feel proud instead.

 pic by Sias van Schalkwyk

Yes, proud.

Because each and every day I do all the things mostly right. I eat the right foods, I make sure I have the right foods prepared, I plan things, I have clothes to wear, wear said clothes, brush teeth, take my medicines, keep my body warm, have an interest in friends, think onteresting things. When I was very ill I messed up on various of these elements, causing bodily or mental panics.

Nowadays there’s seldom a time anymore when there’s a panic.

There used to be panics because suddenly there was no food in the fridge or no supplements or I’d run out of important medicines or left them in the city or had no clean clothes or forgot to turn on the central heating or I didn’t shield myself from a glucose or salt deficiency. Those were daily battles. Nowadays they hardly ever occur and when they do they’re usually a buikd up of three things that go wrong.

Last time I messed up was around Sept.14th, when I ate too much weird cheese and bread and busted my kidneys while my adrenals were already out of commission which I hadn’t noticed and entertained too much visitors without taking the proper rests.

All other days I’m doing things right.

All day. Every day.

I can be proud. I am proud. I am doing this thing!

Every day, I am doing this thing well!

 pic by Andreas Krappweis


Of course it’s a shame I dropped the ball on Friday though. It’ll have repercussions for the whole of next week and the Christmas week after that and the week beyond. Which is a shame because I have things planned. Fun things.

I may have to reconsider my plans… Here’s how my calendar looks:


Today Dec 15
Today, Sunday, I already pushed the envelope and drove an hour to a wool party (where I presented the illustrated notebooks and got praise!). And back. I was delighted to see my friends again!

Tomorrow, I’m resting. And preparing dinner for the rest of the week.

Tuesday morning is spinning group. That’s half an hour’s drive. And back.

Wednesday I’m driving myself and the cat to Den Bosch. Somehow a x-mas tree has to appear magically in the house that day too.

Thursday I’m traveling to Amsterdam for a mumbo jumbo medical procedure I have calculated expectations of (tell you more about it when I know results). One hour travel to. And fro.

Friday I’m resting. And baking cookies. Probably should take a showe. And figure out new clothes to wear.

pic by Michael Faes

Saturday my friend Pippi comes for a visit. She likes cookies. And x-mas tree. (which better be magically decorated by then too)

Sunday I’m resting. And baking cookies. What am I eating for dinner these days?

pic by Michael Faes

Monday my friend Tinkerbell comes for a visit! She likes cats. My cookies are shaped like cats, it’ll be great. (I’d love to illustrate a notebook with a cat for her as a present, we always exchange presents. When will I have time?)

Tuesday I’m resting. And baking cookies. Also x-mas roast dinner will happen that day, magically I presume.

 pic by Michael Faes

Wednesday we’ll travel to Utrecht to spend x-mas with my family. I promised cookies. (one hour travel… and also back)

Thursday we’ll travel to the south to spend time with other family. There should be cookies. And ganache these should be prepared on a previous day. The travel will be 35 minutes one way by car, fairly stress free for me.

Friday and Saturday I’ll be resting. What’s for dinner the coming week?

Sunday I’ll get my period.

Monday we’ll travel to the cabin to spare the cats New Year’s Eve fireworks. And ourselves too. We’ll have to visit the baker in town to get ‘oliebollen’.

 oliebollen, by BarisArt

Tuesday I’m resting. In bed by nine.

it’s a new year! We’ll be traveling back to the city.

 pic by Adyna

Thursday my friend M. will visit. I imagine she loves cat cookies!

Friday I’m resting.

Saturday I’m visiting a friend for her birthday. (gotta organize a present)

Sunday the 5th of January…. I’ll be resting. And probably clearing the rest of January’s calendar.

hmmmmmm. This is not a very smart calendar. It looked good last week, when I was up and running (on lovely cortisol and estrogens). But now that I’ve dropped the ball and need to recuperate AND visited the knitters party today I know I’m in for trouble.

 pic by Mike Wilkinson

If I could just switch faster between ACTION! and RRrrrrrressssst.

The getting-into-action-bit I’ve got covered. It’s my natural inclination. But the getting-into-rest-bit….not so much.

I wonder….. could I do a bit of an experiment the next couple of weeks? Up the rest-bit? Actively pursue it?

Usually when I come back from some activity, such as a visit or the spinning group, I relax like most people do: surf the computer, watch some tv, have a drink (herbal tea), pet the cat, read amusing newspaper ( Some low cerebral activity. Just marinate in life, so to say.

It’s fine. It’s relaxing. But it doesn’t get my body into that parasympathetic state of Resting and Digesting. (And healing)

What if I pursue this state actively? What if I see “relaxing” as:

  • actual lying down (a.k.a. move butt and stuff to couch or bed)
  • do something non taxing to the mind (a.k.a. no envigorating movies, news or surfing. Stick to knitting -chose pattern you have to watch your hands with and wear your reading glasses- or illustrating (yay!) or writing or reading (health research or a novel) or sewing or bend those pins you’ve been meaning to do for a year now for those two dear women
  • ease up on the body (a.k.a. preserve digestion energy by eating small portions of good food (a.k.a. stocks, no more sjoko-kerstmannen) and lie down after one hour (my body needs it! do it!)
  • spend time in Faraday tent (you lazy bastard, you get distracted by the higher energy you have in the city and think you don’t need to but you do. Get your butt in that tent!)
  • Use progesterone liberaly. Already symptoms are showing of shortage and you need more now that adrenals are down.


This requires quite a strict regimen for the next couple of weeks.

And some preparations (have materials and designs for leisure projects prepared; locate the clocks in the house and learn to glance upon them and noting at what time from now it’s time to lay down; make sure the right foods are in the house or know where to get them.)

But I think it’s the only way I am going to pull of the scheme I’ve planned and enjoy it too. There’s nothing on my calendar I’m prepared to cancel. Luckily I know that all visitors to my house don’t batt an eye when I flop down on the couch or when my eyes glaze over. I do hate when it happens though, it robs me of fully enjoying the moment. But half a moment is still better than no moment.

So there it is. A plan and intentions. And I know where my weaknesses lie. I know I’ll get buzzing when I get to the city. No way am I letting that get in the way of taking the necessary rests. Especially when I don’t feel tired, I need to keep the scheduled rests. Twice a day I need to see the couch up close.  It’s a lie, the wiredness!

PS. don’t tell the funny birds that I just blew my planned bedtime writing this post. Good intentions always start best tomorrow.

 pic by Susan Fernbach

My health: strategy for my low cortisol

written a week ago:

I had a good think about that ridiculously low cortisol level that was measured the other day: 0,3 in the morning where a value between 25 and 60 is normal.

This tells me that on that particular morning my adrenals were not functioning at a sufficient level. However, I did manage to get out of bed, drive myself to the hospital, walk through the cold and get myself to the right department and seen to. So some cortisol was clearly still there, I was not in danger of adrenal shock. I don’t think I functioned on adrenaline or willpower alone, I certainly wasn’t pushing things or in a fighting mood.

However, there were a few problems that morning indicating insufficient cortisol. I did drive at 85% of my usual alertness (but as I am a perfectionist who usually operates at 115% and also have my motor bike license -which makes you a better spotter in traffic- I feel I was not a danger on the road). I was bothered by the cold very much, a known body stressor. I had trouble operating the machine where you present your hospital ID (hello brain fog) and my hands trembled when I spoke to the nurse (a sign my body was nervous and lacked the hormones to battle that).

So I’m not sure how to interpret the level totally correct.

The measured level however indicates my adrenals have now shut down completely. There’s a good case to be made for that theory:

My adrenals have shut down (almost) completely, since end of August.

Looking back I’d say this happened at the end of August. And stress was the cause, not the low supplementation of hydrocortisone.
My stressors were:

  1. the death of my grandmother in the Spring
  2. supplementing Zinc and inducing Copper dumps during the Summer
  3. a non-relaxed holiday to Ireland at the end of August. Bad sleep and digestion shut down.
  4. a blow to the kidneys in mid September: too much weird food + dehydration
  5. ongoing kidney- and liver pain ever since, nausea (organ malnutrition as a result)
  6. worries about a trip to Morocco we were to take last week

nr 3, the holiday to Ireland was just too much. Afterwards I couldn’t get my digestion working well enough, I couldn’t refind my tranquility. In short: recuperation took too long and was too costly. Then nr.4 happened and my belly hasn’t been functioning properly for months now. Pains and pangs, uncomfortable feeling and nausea all the time. Looking back these are symptoms of too low cortisol levels, especially now that the ultrasound and the bloodwork do not show other causes. No cortisol means no stomach acid, no bile, no motility.

Lack of cortisol also explains why on occasion I’d fall into a deep, peaceful sleep whenever I took my regular dose of  hydrocortisone. Normally this hormone would activate a body. But with shut down adrenals it would just quell a screeching lack, thus providing peace. Peace enough to sleep. I was so surprised as it was the same sleepiness you get with progesterone overdosing. You cannot fight it, you just want to sleeeeep. But with progesterone you awake groggy. With this cortisol sleep I awoke fine. Rested (just unwilling to leave the bed).

Like I said, I think stressors caused the shut down, not the cortisol I’ve been supplementing regularly for over a year now. As I supplement only 12,5 mg of hydrocortisone per day I don’t think the hormone therapy caused the shut down. The amount quoted in literature is at least 20 mg. I’ve been supplementing this lower amount since August 2012 and from that date on I was notably getting healthier and more active by the month. It is why I started to drive my car. It is why I felt confident enough to detox with the Zinc and the genome results.

A normal dose for someone with shut down adrenals is 20 mg or more. Or the other way around: doctors report people’s adrenals shutting down when doses of 20 mg or more are administered.

Shut down adrenals do explain why I needed absurd high amounts of progesterone the last two months. My body was scrambling for any and all progesterone to convert into cortisol. Indicating some level of function in the adrenals, btw.


  1. When that low level was measured I still functioned at an acceptable level
  2. at night I still often wake up with a cortisol peak, 8 hours after my last hydrocortisone dose which has been totally gone from my system by then.
  3. Four weeks ago I got a cold. The first one since I fell ill in 2008. A cold indicates that my immune system was too weak to keep it at bay. Usually immune systems get suppressed by cortisol which is why stressed people (with healthy adrenals) get every virus during flu season. How could I get a cold when my immune system is running wild and unchecked for years now?
  4. I am sensitive to low doses of anything. It may well be that 12,5 mg is enough for my adrenals to shut down.

We can think of reasons that make these things fit the theory anyway.

  1. I got to the hospital fine? I must be able to function at lower levels than other people. I sure do so with other hormones and medications. Or adrenaline makes the system go without causing its usual jumpy state.
  2. I wake up? My adrenals work sometimes, especially at night when blood sugar drops or I get too cold or dust allergy kicks in or insulin surge from the previous day catches up with me.
  3. I get a cold? My number was up, this was probably a particular persistent virus. I finally met a peron carrying a virus, haven’t met one for years which is the real reason I haven’t had a cold or the flu/ Or an alternative: the trip to Morocco had me so stressed out that I did make more cortisol and with that suppressed my immune system enough to contract the cold. I sure was worrying about it and determined to get it done. Got my fighting modus on. The funny thing was that once I conceded that I was not to go on the trip I took to bed and fell asleep, I developed a high fever and broke the cold in the next 18 hours. After that I had to lay a week in bed to recover. And another two weeks to recover properly. I am now back in the cabin and just today and yesterday I’ve felt alive again. Active. But this can also come from not being in the city. I am more charged in the city. And in need of more cortisol there.



At the moment my adrenals are not functioning. Supplementation is needed. More than 12,5 mg. At least enough to get my intestines working again properly. Aim for 17,5 mg. Digestion is a measuring stick. Getting hungry indicates I took too much.

Higher supplementation will shut down the adrenals for sure. Or keep them shut down. This brings risk, life threatening risks. I am aware of this.

Shut down adrenals an sich is not a problem. There’s a school of thought in medicine that thinks that a short amount of time will give the adrenals a chance to heal.

This will be my working theory. It can be amended when results contradict.



Have shut down adrenals for the next few months. Aid them with enough hydrocortisone to keep my body out of stress and to have digestion functioning again.

Enjoy the peace. Rest up. Relax. Enjoy life. Don’t worry, don’t fret. Take plenty progesterone.

Be aware of the life threatening dangers. Inform loved ones. Always carry hydrocortisone on your body.

In February/March slowly wean off of the hydrocortisone. See if the adrenals kick in again.

If they do so: YAY!

If they don’t: visit the Adrenal Specialists in Radboud to become an official Addison’s patient and explore with them if it’s the adrenals or one of the brain glands that’s kapot.



Homocysteine was below 6. This is lower than you would expect under my working theory that my DNA mutations cause too high homocysteine. Has my supplemention of mB12 and Florinic Acid corrected my levels in only 3 months? Or is this a heterozygote mutation and did the incorrect gene never express?

things to think about next.

Doc says: go pee!

Well, no gruesome lumpy news from my docter this morning! My liver and gallbladder look fine and blood results indicate they work just fine.
My kidneys are being weird however. One has an “angiomypolygoom” (phonetic doctorspeak) which is a cluster of blood vessels and is called a “storks bite” when it presents on the outer skins of babies. Nothing serious.

Nothing serious, just a Stork giggle

pic by Turkkan35

What ís serious though, is that my kidney swells up whenever my bladder does. This is not good. Not good at all.

I have not found the medical term yet but doc says I NEED TO PEE MORE OFTEN. Really.


How do I go about that? erm….

  1. whenever I think of drinking, make a cup of tea
  2. whenever I pass the toilet, go pee
  3. throw something colourful in the middle of the room, whenever I see it, go pee.

I am going to try to pee every hour I think.

pic by Alan Witikoski

My doctor explains things weird. “Cholesterol is a bunch of buses running through your veins.” LDL-busses break down all the time, spilling their passengers and clogging the roads with their bus-carcasses. Good cholesterol busses don’t break down. And leave no passengers stranded.

I have high cholesterol, both LDL and HDL. Which makes the ratio ok. I could take pills, he said. Or I could nót take up smoking. And don’t get Diabetes. I had to promise. “Promise me you won’t put sugar in the tank of your buses!”

HAHAHA! Cackle! Cackle! Cackle!

pic by Andreas Krappweis

My higher intake of Zinc and vit D over the last 6 months has now put me into the right zone. Result! I can lower the Zinc somewhat. I had already noticed I no longer have Copper toxicity symptoms. Much. It was a tiresome Summer, getting the Zinc up but now I can go down to maintenance doses. Yay!

Then there was the cortisol blood level. Measured at 8 in the morning, before I took pills or food.

Value came back as 0,3

yeah…. I did notice I trembled a bit…

normal value is 25 to 60


pic by Luka Rister

I am going to thing about that one for a bit.  Cause. Consequences. Strategy.

We finished the consultation with a small lecture about the lining of the belly. This is a most interesting organ. It reacts to whatever upsets one of the organs. It moves in, it migrates towards the upset place. For example, it might encapsulate an inflamed appendix, trying to fix it. And it does fix it (if the inflammation doesn’t kill you first).

I have a bit of fluid in “the cellar” of the abdominal lining. Indicating one of the organs in my belly was upset. But not enough to get a major reaction from the lining. Something as “small” as an egg bursting free (ovulation) might cause that small puddle. Not to worry.

Then we talked about linear medicine and medicine that addresses levels of functioning health. Linear is when you fall, you break something, you get a cast, you heal. The other has to do with levels of health. When you function at a subnormal level, as I do, the body still is in harmony. It has found some sort of balancing act to keep everything going, albeit on a lower then desirable level. This balancing act does have a price.  This will probably cause you to stay at this level for a long time or taper off to a lower level. You never jump upwards to a higher level.

Health professionals who address this kind of medicine contemplate nudging your body out of its balancing act to initiate it to take up balancing at a higher level. To enable this higher level, the body needs some help or supplementing of what it is missing. And a solid nudge to break its habit of functioning at the lower level.

He thought an osteopath might do me some good, help my intestines to get to a higher level of functioning. I’ll think about that too. For now I think that I can also get some enabling impulses from taking my rests dutifully and reconsider some foodstuffs.

pic by Cécile Graat

Now I’m home and I just send a thank you note to the professionals at the hospital who took my blood samples last Wednesday morning. When I presented at the counter I confessed to being a “spesiul snowflake” with low cortisol and that’s why I’m shaking and crying. They didn’t laugh or rolled their eyes, they just took care of me. Put me into the separate, soothing room with animals and animations on the walls. I was as stressfree as possible and very grateful not to be thought a nuisance.

With cortisol at 0,3 instead of 25-60 I was a trembling spesiul snowflake indeed…

pic by Carlo Winkelmann

Now I want to go and ink. I made some pencil drawings over tea this morning. But I am a good little snowflake and will take my rest instead. Passing toilet, going pee.

Ain’t this grand, I have a cold!

The sniffles. A snotneus. Inflamed throat. Just the common cold.

Haven’t gotten one for years, what with my immune system all in harms through lack of soothing cortisol levels. Used to get them all the time before I got Adrenal Fatigue.

Now I’m even more confused than usual about how to get through a day healthily.

My body clearly is under extra stress now so I should take more hydrocortisone, right? But more cortisol will dampen the imune system more, crippling its ability to fight this cold. The third side of the coin is that I am under extra stress to be in optimum health PRONTO because we’ve planned a family trip and I’m not well enough, even without the cold.

I feel stupid. Because there’s no clear strategy to be decided upon. And the more I stress the more vulnerable I get.

In the mean time I’ve been waken up from bodily stress after only 3 hours of sleep for five nights in a row now. (normally I get five with perhaps another two hours later in the night). Going that long on that few hours of sleep isn’t good. And it impairs my thinking even more.

One thing it does make clear is that I need that cortisol. I now take it at night, when I wake up in that fit of sweat, coughs and sniffles. It takes two hours for my body to calm down, I aid it with progesteron and hydrocortison because the first few nights taught me that without it my body will not calm down. Or have intestine motility.

It’s a strange experience to get to a calm place by taking hydrocortisone… An activating hormone. Calm enough to perhaps doze off for another hour when morning comes. Calm enough to tend to other bodily functions such as digestion. Relaxed muscles.

But is it a calm from rescuing the body from a shortage of cortisol or a calm from oppressing the imune system andthusly disabling the fight it needs to fight?

I really am without a clue.

Basic project: getting through the day

so I’m getting through the day, one half hour at the time.

It’s ok.

I’ve pushed away all things making a demand on me. Emails, to-do lists, finding the right beads for knitwork, determining the meaning of life.

I still tremble at times. From the inside and sometimes my hands too. I try not to worry. Just keep the cortisone supplemented and comfort my body. Stress kills, after all. It feels like I have to care for a small child and that’s exactly the attitude I adopt: soothing, caring, comforting. And radiating confidence.

An unexpected symptom today is that my intestines don’t work. (They were fine earlier this week, I was really a bit proud having them back online after digestion halted while on holiday in August and later when the weekend of Sept 14th left me dehydrated and with kidney inflammation). Today they’re gone again. Gut health does influence brain health so there’s that connection. My gut feels ill and its misery ripples through my whole body. I think it has something to do with a commercial gluten-guiche and salade I ate yesterday and perhaps the 1000mg of vit C and powerful Magnesium citrate.

Anyway, I know a few factors play into this. Gut health is one of them. Stress another. Nutrition levels. Mental hygiene. Hormones. What a waste of time though!

So today I know not to take things too seriously. Just rest and heal, rest and heal. Both the body and the brain.

There’s this nagging suspicion though, that if I set my mind to it, I can reason my way through that feeling of not-worthyness.

I may have a go at it…. try to come out at the other end, with a shiny new idea of what will make my life worth living.

I’d love to be one of those people that finds a cause!
And a set of adrenals to go please, to furnace the drive and get famous and inspire others and get cosmetic surgery and teeth whitened and look good at the back of a book.
Nah, I’m kidding. I’ve already determined that the spotlights are not right for me. But I’d love one single cause to revolve every day around, to look forward to every morning when getting out of bed.
As my brain is my most powerfool tool I do believe I could reason away this feeling of inadequacy…

Or would that be a foolish enterprise? Seeing that I am a bit vulnerable at the moment…

At least we can see that my fighting power is kindled again. I refuse to lay down and wither. I want to squash this.

oh, you should see me now, wouldn’t you laugh! I’m a crumpled up newspaper of a human being, wrapped in a ’70s woolen blanket from my nan on a sheeps’ fleece in a wooden cabin. There’s a cat under the blanket, snoring. There’s knitting everywhere, all tangles. My hair is “Peppi” (*the Dutch Stan Laurel*), my eyes are swollen, my hands trembling, my throat is dry and I can hardly look straight. And I’ve got all this fighting power in me.
You’re the only one who knows and also know that I cannot decide where to aim this will power at. Heehee, we’d laugh ourselves silly!


video to intro Peppi and Kokki

picture by Lorie B. Kellogg

Basic decency: get up in the morning

I’m having a weird, troublesome morning.

Woke up at 6.30 after a solid 6,5 hours of sleep. Took some hydrocortisone to aid with getting ready to get up. Did some surfing to pass the 40 minutes it takes to kick in. Instead it made me drowsy, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I recognised this as a too-much-progesteron-mood and fell asleep.

Woke up again at 9.15. Took some hydrocortisone. Waited. Again my body relaxed. This time I was ready to get up. But my mind wasn’t. “there’s nothing for me downstairs.”

That useless, worthless feeling washed over me again. No, it welled up inside me. I was drenched in it but without a care. I felt very numb.

All I wanted to do and all I could do was lay there, with my head on my pillow.
I lacked all willpower to do anything.

This is a new for me. I have lacked the brainpower to do anything. I have lacked the basic energy level to do anything.
But the will power? Never before.

The scary thing was it wasn’t even scary…
Just on overwhelming thruth of “I’ll just lay here and wither.”

It was very weird to not being able to do anything because of willpower. Before i’ve not been able to raise my head or my arm because of lack of glucose. I had the same physical feeling but now from lack of willpower.

Eventually I reached for my phone, head still on pillow, and called my husband. He’s in the city.
Explaining to him made me angry with myself for not kicking my butt. But at the same time numb. And worthless for leading such a useless life. Very confusing.

Together we broke up the process. He said I HAD to get downstairs and get some food in me and a lithium mineral supplement (Biotics). While you’re downstairs, put on the heating.

I suggested to skip dressing and just go down. This alleveated some of the hurdles in my mind.

We hung up. I prepared to drag myself out of bed.
And I started crying?! Big round tears. It was my body in distress, it REALLY didn’t feel up for the task. And it was me having absolutely no more power, strength or courage to fight any more battles.

That’s when I lifted my head from the pillow for the first time in 10 hours. And instantly felt a bit better, a little bit clear headed. I put a bit of npc on, advise from husband.

I greeted the cat, put on a bra and went downstairs.
Body screaming all the way :(
Trembling, crying, having to take really good care not to tumble down the stairs.

Now I’m back in bed again. The heating is on. A cup of tea is waiting downstairs, with some cream in it. I’ve eating a bit of liverwurst, butter, vit d and lithium. I peed.
Just waiting in the comfort of my bed untill my feet warm up again, then I’ll go get dressed and go downstairs.

I feel quilty of having dragged my body around, it may take a while for it to calm down. I took another chunk of cortison.

I’ve got no idea what happened. The drowsyness from the hydrocortisone may have been caused by it being converted to progesteron immedeatly.
The mood of worthlessness is definately influenced by lack of lithium. The methyl-B12 and Forinic acid I take require lots of lithium (and progesteron)I noticed. I have been firing up the methylationcycle a bit the last two days. And it is day 3 of my cycle when I usually become all Strong Active Woman again but also have to start npc because Misery Woman is also awakening

So there it is. A rotten time getting out of bed. And betrayal by the one thing I have always counted on: my willpower. My strong mind.

Now I’m a bit scared. Worried. What does this all mean? It feels like I’m slipping. Entering a danger zone. I am worried.

For now I’ll revert to my how-to-deal-with-suicidal-tendencies-plan which consists of concentrating on the next half hour in your life and nothing else. In the next half hour I’ll get up, get dressed, drink that tea. After that I’ll look at the next half hour. (probably knitting and a video)(or breakfast)

It’s not that I’m suicidal it’s just that when I was (seriously messed up hormones caused it) I devised a method of staying alive and right now I can use that clutch. I’ll postphone analyzing what happened and worrying about it for as long as possible. Push away the worrying, today I am in no state to find solutions. That’s basic mental hygiene, I feel.

Of course beneath the surface I’m still convinced I’m worthless…

But I’m also angry. To strip away my willpower? How dare it/they!