Holle Time Day 13: wrapping up 2013

This is the last post in the Holle Time series. Where I wrote about anything I fancied. Holle Time will continue for another 13 days but my blogposts will not be all over the place anymore. I like me some structure ;)

In this post I’m wrapping up the year 2013!

THINGS TO BE PROUD OF
I’m proud that I wade through the shit for three months this summer, getting my Zinc up en my Copper down. Those Copper dumps were no fun… yay for me for sticking it through! Zinc now goes down well, no more Copper madness.

pic by Alicia Solario

I’m proud also with the mental clean up I did in november, when I revised my idea of what makes a meaningful life. I’m not sure any of you could follow my writings backthen, it wasn’t very well composed. But it made sense to me back then and it gave me new outlooks on life and purpose, outlooks I use every day now. I now feel good about my life.

HAPPY TO BE LUCKY
I’m happy with the luck of finding out my genome data last Spring.
It was a plan B, because plan A -visiting an excellent specialist in system broad illnesses- fell through.
A year ago I’d never thought of getting DNA information and now look what it brought me.
It explains the excitatory neurotransmitter thing that seems to be my personal trait. And the vitD and vitB12 and folinic acid things that I need supplementation for.

I also feel lucky to have found the Atlas Profilax treatment. Wasn’t looking for it, had never heard of it. It lessened my body burdens.

SAD AND CRINGING EPISODES
Some things I did in the previous year still make me cringe and cry.
How I wrecked my health by going on holiday in Ireland and not having a good bed to rest in. And how I tortured my digestion two weeks later by eating too much weird cheese. And how, around that time and in the six weeks to follow, I failed to notice my adrenals were out of commission and I really ought to have taken more hydrocortison. How I hurt from the death of my grandmother.
I don’t want to think about any of this.

THINGS TO ENJOY

I am so glad I got a car this year! It is mine, it has a weird felted head rest cover (mine!) and handknitted pouch with lavender in the glove compartment (mine!)
I love driving it. It’s not very tiring and quite empowering. I had a glorious day out in the summer (when I was still high on my holiday trip cortisol). I took the car for a drive through the country, I had a picnick in the field, picked up at least two spinning wheels and visiting my aunt.

Sinterklaas this year was great! So much fun and love and cheer and laughter!
A day to remember which is very easy because i got three teleidoscopes and lots of thongs I now use daily (a board for making wool rolls to spin, Japanese kitty fabric, a handembroidered squirrel cushion, seven moustache paperclips)

THE BIGGER PICTURE
In the larger picture I’ve noticed my brainfog has now been lifted structurally.
Starting this blog was one symptom of regaining my mental faculties. This year I’ve been able to think more clearly and on more subjects then ever since 2008. I’ve even spared some thoughts in art.


(Back in 2008 I could not think. This lasted well into 2010. I could only think, reason, deduct, at night, in the two hours of waking I had. I used to write myself notes and instructions for the following day.
In the beginning I’d find a note with one word on it, “magnesium”, and had no idea what I was meant to do. Night time me quickly learned to spell things out for brain fogged day time me. These were also the years I saw less colours and forgot my own name and couldn’t hold my balance when walking. All these things have gone.)(Still loose my balance when tired though.)

I took up illustrating, I’m so chuffed!
Still frustrating though, to want to do so many fun things when there’s only one hour available every day. With illustrating and art and design there’s the extra dance of getting the mood right. No ambition, no commercial plans, no purposed goals, no fighting mentality whatsoever. It has to be play and exploration, nothing else.

I’ve turned to new dresses! Sewing them, buying them, felting them.
A dress really is such a joy.

And the last few weeks I’ve moved back to the city. I like the city. I like our house.
Spending more time with my husband is great too.

PLANS FOR 2014
I hope next year will be about the fun of exploring.
Exploring illustration, exploring some of my old fascinations in art. And I’d like to learn the technique of enamelling. And make some graphic jewellery (is this insinuating I want to make porn bling? I hope not. I want to make some pieces using spaces and blocks of colours like a blockprinter would)

pic by Andrew Smith

Healthwise this will be the year of the parasympathetic nervous system. Keeping it calm around the clock. I’ve just stumbled upon learning to relax the eyeballs and -muscles. There’s a connection there.
And an old book about the body-mind connection when battling back pain that came into my life again recently. I have no back pain but this book addresses the same connection I’m exploring.

Perhaps this year I’ll get my sleep analyzed in a sleep study facility…

I’d like more squirrels in 2014.

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Holle time day 11: hiding in a hole

Around this time Frau Holle retreats into her well, taking with her all the souls of new and old life of this year, to be reborn in the next.

During the year she transforms from a Spring Maiden into a Fertile Summer Woman who reaps the fruits (and souls) from the land in the Fall. Come Winter she becomes a Snow Queen.

pic by Belovodchenko Anton
pic by Vatik
pic by Ayhan Yildiz
pic by Joseph Hoban

But when the wheel of time turns the year, just around these days, she is ageless. Timeless. Shapeless. She has taken all the life of the land to a safe haven, under her skirts, into her house at the bottom of the well, in a deep dark hole where no winter cold or humans can reach.

pic by Katinka Kober

I too would like to crawl away into a hole like that. Start sleeping. Healing. Only to emerge when the first promises of a new year are showing.
(Perhaps they are already here, these promises? Today was a bright winters’ day, with crisp light and some small birds already chattering. I see from behind my window.)

Yes I want to hide. Because today, and also yesterday, I am battling against stress. It’s been building up for a few weeks now but today it is particularly bad. It shouldn’t be, I have no stress, there’s nothing in my life threatening me. (Well, except the x-mas cards I didn’t send, to 5 people who really NEED to get some sort of hello from me)
really, need, desperate, hello

… I’ve got no words and I’ve got no energy. I should at least let the know this, if nothing else…

My body is twisted and cramped. My heart is pounding. I’m wearing my shoulders around my ears once again. Gone is the freedom of movement and fluidity the AtlasProfilax provided. I’ve stuffed it all away under tensed up muscles and startling responses.

Fifty times a day I realize I’ve slipped into a twisted posture. Sitting askew, not really relying on muscles to keep me upright but more on cushions and fatflaps.
I find myself leaning deep into the computer, squinting my eyes, and realize I’ve been sitting like this for an hour.
I can’t sleep. My breathing is shallow. I am in stress.

This is out of the ordinary. I’ve left this habit of stress behind when I moved to the cabin. It took a few months (or years) to grind it into omission. Now it’s back! This is how I was for 35 years. This is how my body was 35 years… it is not how I truly am.

Something in my body is whipping up stress.
It could be a number of things:

  • my period just started. Usually I take no progesterone for a couple of days to allow for my period. Today I cannot be without progesterone, my body is screaming for it.
  • something could be frustrating the clean-up of excitatory neurotransmitters. It’s already hindered by the MAO A mutation but it now seems it doesn’t get done at all. I’ve got no idea what that could be and I haven’t got the braincells or rest to study it online.
  • something could be egging on the production of these neurotransmitters. Could it be the mB12 and the Folinic Acid, releasing too much toxins in the system?
  • I had quite a bit of commercial chocolate at my sister-in-law’s the other day because we were there longer than expected and I was so going down the drain. I’d think it would have left the system already but you never know
  • I have quite a lot of bleeding “in the pyama region” (euphemism I heard today), this is adding to the bodily stress. I thought I was taking enough cortisone to deal with it but who knows? Sitting and lying doesn’t help it heal, that’s for sure. Of course, sitting and lying is all I want to do…
  • is the breakfast I had today? I went back to my usual two egg yokes.
  • is it the rice-gingerbread cookies I’m eating these days? are cinnamon and clove building up, messing with my brain?
  • I’ve been eating fish with kerry and fresh koriander all week, is that you nutmeg-in-the-kerry?

I can’t figure it out at the moment.

So I better approach it from an other angle. If I cannot reason my way up from the cause, I better start at a remedy and work from there.

What might help in this case is movement. If there’s toxin in the blood moving around will help it clear up. Yes, I should move…

Ha! you know how that is. You should. But you don’t.
The trickery part is that the longer I postpone it the more difficult it becomes.

Really, I should get up and get out there. Be a snow queen.
pic by Alfred Borchard
(I should also take a shower. Probably won’t happen either)

Oh, COME ON!
If I don’t move this mood will wreck my sleep tonight for sure! These things have a way of effecting the future. Move your butt!
pic by Thibaut Monot
grrrrr!

UPDATE
I wrote this post last night. I then went to sleep and slept from 22.30 untill 8.30. That’s the longest I’ve slept in…… EVER.
????
This body, it really has advanced humour.

pic by Nate Brelsford

I didn’t go outside.
I didn’t take a shower (it’s just not logical on day 2 of a period, I’ve got more waste to shed, day 3 is a glorious day for showering because then the period has drawing to a close.)
I did do some felting which involves standing at the sink and pounding. I didn’t watch tv and didn’t take my iPad to bed. I tried to relax my eyeballs because I think I’ve caused double vision by staring too intense at iPad and knitting. I skipped any x-mas cookies or nutmeg. I ate very light (= chocolate ganache and whipped cream which may be fat heavy but are not heavy to digest)
And I took echineaforce for the first time since september, when my liver needed a rest.
Now I’m back to my original suspicion that my night time waking has to do with allergies (dust mite) and a disproportionate reaction to that (neurotransmitters).

oh, I don’t know! It doesn’t make sense at all. I need to keep my body calm, that’s all I know. And it has a weird sense of humour.

I just woke up with a zit on the inside of my eyelid. The inside. Of the upper eyelid. The part that touches my eyeball.
pic by Sheldon Pickering

Holle time day 8: cats singing songs

Merry x-mas day!
The churches is this Catholic city have been chiming for hours. We got up early (this may be related to the church bells or BECAUSE I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT) and this morning will be spend in restfull bliss in our sitting room:

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Hey, there’re two cats in this picture!

Frau Holle is all about cats. And celebrating the season.

You probably spotted the white one on the red couch fast.
But on the utmost left, there’s a dark blob snoring… a dark blob on a purple cushion…

mrs Dark Blob! mrs Dark Blob!

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Are you awake?
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Aw, Pookie, hello. Can you sing us a x-mas song? Pleeeeeease?

“SANTA CLAWS IS COMING TO TOOOOOOWN!”
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…. thank you, Pookie….
au.
.
.
.
And what about mrs White Blob?
Hello?

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Hello? Lillepoes?

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Would you please sing a little song for us, Lillepoes?

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pleeeeeease???

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pleeeeeease???

“mumble bells… mumble bells…”
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“mumblealltheway….”

Holle Time day 7: Cats and Knitting

Today was all about cats and knitting.

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Tinkerbell was here and we knitted on the couch, sharing cat stories. She laughed at Lillepoes a lot. For making strange sounds when walking, sleeping, meowing. Lillepoes spend lots of time cuddling. Between us.

When Tinkerbell left Lillepoes wasn’t done cuddling. She butted in while I tried to take a pocture of my new hat, “Devonshire Cream”.



I spend the evening on the (other) couch knitting my little heart out, watching four episodes of Victorian police series Ripper Street. I love the attention to detail in this series. And the amount of flakey paint.


Cat on lap the whole time.

Holle Time Day 5: Building a nest?

I swear this table was empty when I arrived here last week…

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There’s a bag of potatoes here….
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and a half burned candle from four years ago, a candle that resembles a Bossche Boll in wrapping paper, roving I have to think about how to spin, last years diary, liqorice I mean to throw out for a good 5 months now, two shawls, a washed bag, various pieces of emergency chocolate, the content of three purses spilled because I couldn’t find what I was looking for, a catalogue for more brushes and a paper bag with chestnuts to roast. And that bag of potatoes.

This is all wool and knitted related things I brought to the city over the previous weeks:

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I clearly thought they came with bags of time, to process them.

Here’s miss Holle herself, she clearly doesn’t mind. In fact, she’s smiling. She like wool.

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