So I have had some therapy sessions now, both psychological and psycho motorical physiotherapy, to learn about my autism. I’ve been officially diagnosed with Asperger in December 2021.
In physiotherapy I’ve been learning to sit and stand and as a 50yo that feels ridiculous. What’s next, potty training?
At the same time a new world opens up, learning to be here and now and in my body, via mindfulness.
In psychotherapy I just yesterday learned that am “allowed” to exist without judging myself. Everyone is allowed to do that. A lot of people do too. This is news to me.
It’s not easy to exist without self criticism as it is also a driving force and motivator for me. Without it, I don’t really know what I’m going to do, now, today, later. Who I am really.
To exist without judgment is to exist through the body, through mindfulness. And that’s not at all nice for such a rational autist as me. Directionless, wordless, without motivation too. It makes my head spin. But it can be done.
Apparently I am also “allowed” to exist without being (socially) visible? That’s what lots of posts on this here blog moan about. I keep rediscovering it, sigh. Thank you nurture. Stupid parenting.
If I manage to do this I would exist without anyone knowing that when I open my eyes I see compositions and divisions of planes and visual thrills. Always, everywhere. And I play with them in my head. Rearrange, make them more interesting or more peaceful. I do the same with three-dimensional things for that matter, you know, in architecture, urban planning.
That inner wealth, nobody needs to know about it and then I still have a right to exist.
I don’t quite believe it yet but it is true. Just like all those millions of women who lived before me and saw things and felt things but did not put it down in literature or art. All lived meaningful lives.
MarvelLogic 