the cause of my 3AM-5AM insomnia

I have this typical insomnia:

  1. fall asleep easily
  2. wake up at 3AM
  3. lie awake for about two hours, being wide awake, very alert

Upon examination there are a few characteristics to consider:

  • I wake up sweaty, with a heated body. I can’t go back to sleep unless I cool down. This points towards some sort of stress reaction my body is having, causing me to wake up.
  • The mental alertness is ridiculously high. It’s like I have a pinball machine in my head. It’s not anxiety, it’s more a superability and -willingness to solve a problem. This is a dopamine excess.
  • The 3AM is not 3AM. The insomnia occurs pretty much precisely 4,5 hours after I fall asleep.

These three things: stress reaction; dopamine excess and 4,5 hours interval have now led me to the cause of my insomnia. It has to do when the internal workings of the machine trigger the neural wiring which reacts violently.

A small intestinal problem triggers my overexitable neurotransmitters.

It takes 4,5 hours for food to traverse the small intestines. It then enters the colon. There, in my case, it remains. It doens’t travel up the ascending colon because it cannot make the curve near the liver (there’s probably an air bubble blocking the way). Food keeps being piled on and the right vertical part of my colon expands, causing stress, waking me up. Since the enzyme that’s supposed to break down stress hormones is broken in me, the MAO A enzyme, my levels of noradrenaline (=norepinephrine) and dopamine are getting very high. Causing me to lie awake for 1,5 to 2 hours, frantically  writing speeches on Important Subjects. During this time my cortisol is depleted and my growth hormone doesn’t get the time of day (I’m robbed of a significant portion of REM sleep). This is a large tax on the body and leaves me with diminished capacity for getting out of bed the following day and healing properties, especially now that I’m over 25 and my endo-glands can no longer make up for such a plundering.

There we have it. A simple blockage leads to a build up in the right colon which makes my body cry out. Triggering the release of too many excitable neurotransmitters.

Again it’s the imbalance between Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS), which both have so much to do with the perifere location: the gut.

My balance is skewed in favour of the SNS due to a homozygous mutation of the MAO A  gene and a life time of training to be in Fight or Flight. I can unlearn the latter. I can only influence and work around the former.

Gut motility is mostly governed by PNS. It’s the modus of Rest & Digest in opposition of SNS’s Fight or Flight. Looking at particular neurotransmitters I’ve now learned that as soon as dopamine rises the stomach is reluctant to release its content. This is why a dopamine-antagonist (Domperidone) is prescribed to people with nausea and vomiting (Dutch link). And this is why I have to go lie down about an hour after I have ingested food. The stomach takes 45 minutes to break down the first bites I took and is now ready to release it. I need to make room for PNS to do its thing and the only way I know how to at the moment is to lie down and relax. As soon as I do so my upper GI tract starts gurgling. If I don’t lie down I’ll grow weary and moody as the day progresses and I’ll be devilish in the evening and have hellish insomnia at night.

Motility in the small intestine is dependent upon having enough of the PSN neurotransmitter Acetylcholine and by activating lots of serotonine receptors. Having bad MAO A is a good thing here, serotonine is soaring and there should be one for every receptor. As soon as I lie down at night the small intestine starts happily motoring things along. In 4,5 hours it has emptied all it had into the next portion of the gut via the one way ileocecal valve into the colon. Luckily I have no problems there. For some this valve flutters and lets stuff and bacteria creep back into the small intestine.

We’ve all seen the picture of how the colon lies in the belly:

The colon rises up, all the way to the liver, then bends to the left, traversing in front of the stomach exit to the spleen area. There’s another bend downwards and then it ends in the temporary holding station called Sigmoid Colon.

Which is true for only about 5% of humanity. In most of us the colon is going wherever it wants. Diagonally to the spleen. Bending backwards. Bulging inwards into small intestine territory. So don’t take anything for granted, these idealistic pictures are just theory.
This colon is more likely:
 pic by Glitzy queen00, radiographer in the UK

I don’t know the route my colon lies. I can feel contents at certain places so I have some idea. But I suspect at the Traverse Colon things are iffy. Interfering with the stomach exit and the duodenum, where also the major PNS nerve is located, the Nerves Vagus.

At the right bend, the Hepatic Flexure, its location is probably irritating the liver. I often have a heavy feeling there, bordering on pain. And now I know that something is hindering process in the night. My GP suggested a mechanical issue: an air bubble is trapped in the Hepatic Flexure, preventing passage. He made the analogy with a bottle with air trapped in it: you can’t pour the liquid in a smooth motion.

I can work with mechanical problems. The solution is to lie on the right side. The air travels upwards, into the Traverse Colon. I’m using breathing as a motion device, the expanding and contracting lungs are the main mechanical force on organs, making them move and shift. It’s a natural thing. A good thing.

When I had an echo done of the liver I had to breathe out and hold my breath. The lungs forced the liver to peek out from under the ribcage and the technician could scan it.  It looked so beautiful! Things were moving and fluids were flowing and we saw all kinds of channels. It was such a marvel. Movement through breathing is very good for the internal organs.

After 5 to 20 minutes I turn on my back. I now lift my pelvis to the roof, resting on my feet and shoulderblades. This is a trick I learned when I went in for a pap smear and the cervix was not there. Somehow the uterus had shifted or folded back and hidden the cervix out of sight. I was asked to do these gymnastics so it may shift to another position. Mechanics. Everything shifts in there, nothing’s stationary. Organs are lying next to each other and are all able to shift and move.

There’s an excellent system in pace to allow for these movements. It both secures the internal organs to the scaffolding (the skeleton) and it lubricates the surfaces so there’s no chafing. It’s the Mesentry, a thin layer of epithelial cells surrounding all organ parts, like pieces of clingfoil taped to the back wall at various points:

 pic by blumdesign.com

The architectural structure of the mesentries is amazing, with small gutters transporting the fluid all around. Breathing and moving and muscular movements aid this system. Go check out non-profit educational site The Radiology Assistent for excellent images and explanations of many internal organs and structures.

I’m still on my bed, pelvic to the sky. I’m again using my breath to move things along. When breathing out I can manually manipulate the downwards colon on the left side a bit, trying to help it transport the air bubble to the exit. After just a few minutes I’ll feel the need to pass some gas. It’s only a little bit and I cannot believe that this is actually the bubble that was stuck at the Hepatic Flexure. But I have a result and I’m glad with it.

I now do this in the evening, before I go to bed. And during the day, when I take my hour rest. And at night, should I wake up. My insomnia is less severe because of this, there’s less dopamine produced. I still lie awake but now I’m a docile book, not a screeching video game. I have reduced the stress reaction. But I have not eliminated it yet.

 pic by amazon

I’m looking into a better motility of the colon. It’s not only air in the Hepatic Flexure, I’ve also noticed slow transit in the Traverse Colon. Then there’s considerable build up in the Sigmoid Colon to examine. And there’s a lack of neural signalling that I need to go, either #1 or #2.

Then there’s the food I eat that influences bulk, consistency, roughage and gas production. I already know to stay away from onions, beans and whole grains. Also carbohydrates make for a more severe insomnia, especially potato products. Which lead my GP and me to assume glycemic problems almost 15 years ago when I entertainingly mentioned how a potato dinner would keep me more wide awake at night than other dinners. Having been down the whole blood sugar route I can now say this is not an issue. But experiencing an insuline peak during the day does trigger the SNS for which I pay during the night. So sugar is still bad, but for a different -and far more serious- reason. Insulin is a potent poison, it should be engaged very prudently.

There, I’m done for today. There’s a lot to be sorted. Especially learning how/which neurotransmitters dampen the motility. Looking at you, dopamine. How to enhance the numbers for Acetylcholine? There’s a loop into the Methylation Cycle there that complicates things. There are probiotics that can help with signaling for defeacation. And how I can give PNS more time of day? I’m already grumbling that I have to lie down for an hour trice a day. But I gotta keep that pinball machine chilled if I ever want to sleep through the night and reap the benefits of both cortisol and growth hormone the following day.

A few more things to park here for future pick up:

1. Strengthening the gut muscles is a separate avenue to travel. One that works well for a lot of people, including a lot with Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) (this is a link with the best instructional video for swinging a kettlebell). I’ve started kettlebelling which is a fun thing to do. I keep mine in the kitchen and kettle the bell a few times while I wait for the tea water to boil. Nothing on a schedule, no counting, . Keeping it fun. I already notice that there’s a certain pleasure in keeping your body upright using the core muscles, instead of stacking all your organs on top of each other and leaning on them. Sitting upstraight on a chair, like I was a woman from a 100 years ago, is pleasurable. Standing straight too. I’m stacking vertebrae instead of organs.

2. The stretching in the ascending colon activates trigger points causing sympoms. They are the reflex zones of the colon:

reflexzones dikke darm

The symptoms that occur at night in my insomniatic period are all noted in the reflex zones of the ascending colon: irritated and stuffed nose; oversensitive sense of hearing (fear triggering); strained eyes; soar throat and tonsils; extra pain in my right shoulder impingement. I have no issues with the other organs noted in this picture, apart from bladder and uterus which are at the sigmoid end.

These symptoms, especially of the allergy kind in tonsils, throat and nose, have thrown me off scent for the longest time. I kept thinking it was dry air or dust mites that kept me awake at night. But it’s the other way around: only if I wake at night dry air and dust mites become a problem. If I sleep through the night they don’t bother me.

3. pH in gastro tract.

4. osteopatic views on movement in and amongst internal structures. Link in Dutch.

5. the various types of motility in the intestines. one link and link to Flash card notes.

6. duodenic colic reflex makes you want to go #2 when the stomach fills up.

7. MAO A influencing when it’s already bust. Progesteron; B2; Ginko Biloba. Progesteron!

and to be perfectly clear: for years I’ve researched all the usual suspects for insomnia. Blood sugar; glycogen; sleep hygiene; circadian rhythm; melatonin; dual sleep; Chinese organ clock; you name it I’ve looked into it. It has done nothing. I could have guessed since I’ve had this sleeping pattern all my life, through every stage of health and constitution.

This now is the first approach that ticks all the boxes, explains everything and gives positive preliminary results when I tweak the dials that are involved.

For other people experiencing this type of insomnia I suggest assuming your body too is experiencing some stress reaction and figuring out what causes yours. I doubt it’s the same colonic issue I have but it might be. Especially if your MAO A gene is faulty you’ll recognize the alertness of your insomnia. This is separate from what causes the stress reaction. But if you are homozygous for MAO A then your dopamine is too high and interfering with stomach emptying and colon motility.

Advertisements

PMS from hell gone.

The past few months I got really bad PMS. PMS from hell.
PMDD. Weeks that I could not live alone because it was not safe. Because I was desperate and suicidal.

I knew it was all brain chemistry and not a chronic depression. As soon as my period started the cloud lifted and I was my happy normal self. But only for three days, the last two months. Three days after my period the cloud would descend again.

But knowing something has a chemical cause and dealing with the feelings/thoughts it generates are two different things. In the end it got too hard to manage the feelings and thoughts.

The weird thing was that my usual PMS can be managed by taking micronized Progesteron and/or Progesteron cream. I’m versed in that. I know how to work it.
I’ve had one bout of suicidal depression that was caused by a vit D shortage.
But neither one of those supplements helped this time. I was stumped.

Of course I did research and found the term PMDD, meaning PMS-from-hell. Including the suicidal tendencies. This rang true.
I looked up other people who have this and what works for them. One thing is that anti-depressants work instantly. Instead of the few weeks it takes to affect a chronic depression. With PMDD anti-depressants work instantly and you only need to take them a few days in the month.

The other suggestions I got were supplementing GABA, Lithium, St John’s worth, black bear spray, bh4 and 5htp.

I went to the doctor to get anti-depressants. This is tricky because I have a homozygous mutation for MAO A which means I already have an inborn MAO A inhibitor. Anything extra that blocks my noradrenaline receptors will have me bouncing off the walls for hours. Because I already have that tendency.

The doctor was very good!
He suggested that what I’ve been lacking these past few months is Dopamine:
neurotransmitter werkings

You all read Dutch right? The title is Function depending on Neurotransmitter.

Dopamine = attention; motivation; enjoyment; rewards.

Noradrenaline = alertness & energy

Serotonine = obessions & compulsion.

The three words in the middle read: interest; mood and fear.

The doctor must be right. There must be some sort of system where prolonged stress interacts with sex hormones (in their neuro transmitter role!) and depletes Dopamine in my head. An interesting thing to go look at.

Normally I have a healthy mix of the three. Although my Noradrenaline sticks around for too long because it’s destroyer MAO A isn’t very good. But otherwise I have a natural high Dopamine level.

He then talked me through the various anti-depressants that exist and on what neurotransmitter they have effect:
antidepressants overview

We chose an anti-depressant that affects Dopamine level, the best there is: Bupropion (this also is the only one that won’t affect libido)
It also inhibits noradrenaline but we agreed I should try it, in a low dose, to see how bouncy it makes me.

Dr. also suggested I use my sensitivity to assert if a pill was going to help me. Or even just carry it on my person instead of ingesting it.
Can you believe such a suggestion coming from a certified GP? That’s tailormade medicine right there. Fabulous!
I’d never thought of it but it is indeed something that works for me. I can sense whether something (a food) is good for me. Why not a pill?

He also mentioned the three things that improve mood:

  1. Zinc
  2. Krill oil
  3. Taurine

So that’s what I started taking. Taurine also soothes the liver which is a strained organ in my body. But it also contains sulphur which my body cannot handle very well (MTHFR/MTRR mutation)
The Zinc did it.

Whenever the dark cloud reared its head I just took Zinc and it went away again. It was amazing.
I hate when this happens, when a singular thing influences my mind so much and when it repeatedly proves it does and when I could have avoided suffering just by taking it earlier. And I hate the tiredness afterwards, when my body sighs in relief and needs time to recuperate. I hate when I wasn’t smart enough, resourceful enough, to stop this earlier.
I know I should be proud that I solved it and that I don’t feel so awful anymore. But the frustration is bigger at the moment.

So: no mental PMS/PMDD symptoms this month. I did not need to take any anti-depressant (but boy, am I glad I have them in my pantry. A good back-up whose presence eases the mind).

I’ve now had my period and we’re in day 4 of my new cycle.
Unhappiness is here again. But it’s very mild. I don’t think it’s related to the things above at all. The Zinc doesn’t attack it unfortunately.
It IS chemical though. I’m lacking something. Or have eaten something that poisons my brain. Could be the shrimp kroepoek? Or is the the stress of prolonged staying the city? The lack of chicken soup?

Either way I’m back on eating a clean diet again. No exceptions. With a brain chemistry as sensitive as mine, that’s the best thing to do.
I’m drinking a lot of (salted) water and taking enough hydrocortisone to keep my body out of stress.

And I’m re-affirming my body all the time that there is no reason to stress. We are safe. We are good. Relax. We are fluid and we are walking in the sunshine. Life is good. No worries.

(this is a solid approach to ease my Autonomic Nervous System which is at the core of my illness. More about that later.)

PS I stopped Valerian and also Progesteron pills the last week of the last cycle. Both might be energizing my system too much.

I took a Prog pill the other evening and laid awake again. Without it I sleep through the night. I do need the Prog cream for the current unhappiness though. This has always worked neurological for me so we’re back again at neurotransmitters and brain chemistry.

The need to reinvent myself. Again.

Here I am. It’s not going splendid. But it’s going.
I feel I need to come to terms with my current level of health. This is it. It’s not going to get better.

I’m worse than I was 3 months ago. But I’m better than I was a year ago. I can be thankful for that. Health wise, I think this is it. This will be my base level.

That means I can now, once again, take stock and identify my probable daily energy supply. And adjust my expectations and my plans to this level. And then start living them, instead of spending all my energy managing my life, my day, my body.
I’d love to live life again, even if it is within these limitations.

 pic by bugdog

I’m still a bit blue over the health I gained and lost again in the last 6 months. I have no illusions about making up for that loss. It truly feels like I’ve hit a ceiling. It’s in my bones, my gut. Not something I just thought up.

I’m also blue because I feel age creeping up on me. In a few decades I’ll be old and things will probably deteriorate fast. It’s not like I’ve got a lot of buffer, I have maximized my potential already. The thing I dread most is the extra time and energy I will have to spend when my body deteriorates further.

These past two weeks there’s also a lot of toxins floating in my brain which is a big nuisance to live with. And GOdamnit, I forgot to take vit D today!
that’s not helping the brain moods at all, that’s for sure.
I’ve been feeling awful, thinking awful things, wanting to snap at everybody (on the internet because I keep away from people in real life). All the while knowing this isn’t me. But knowing something doesn’t make the feeling go away.

 pic by Andrzej Pobiedziński

Also, I ate a lot of carbs over the past few weeks. Even made some custard pudding flavoured with commercial cookies and pine apple juice. I think my body sacrifices a lot of minerals when it has to cope with carbs and empty foods. I may have depleted the mineral supplies I’ve build up over months.

Well, back to chicken broth and mineral supplements (which might turn out just to be expensive pee) then. Sigh.
And I’ve got to kick my body into gear, get it moving, because nothing clears out toxins and levels hormone levels like moving does. Just a little walk around the block will do.

I’ll start by dragging myself of the couch now and get some broth and vit D in me. I hate how everything is a mental struggle, while I KNOW I’m an enthousiastic, cheerfull person by nature. I think I could handle the low energy and battered body better if I didn’t have that brain toxicity to deal with too. It just robs you of your identity, it makes you just drag an empty shell through the day, wasting precious time.
(But I guess it could be worse. I could mistake my false feelings for my true soul. At least I’m not confused about who I am, even though I do not get the chance to shine trough.)

pic by Sue Byford

No guts, no glory

It’s Easter Sunday.
Yesterday I spend a lovely day at a knitters’ house, making paper tape dummies. These are excellent! And superior in use to duct tape dummies. (no smell, no glue onto your pins)

My friend prepared a wonderful lunch and made sure to ask what I could and could not eat.
She skipped the garlic she usually puts into her soups. She made a stunning, hot aïlio as a side dish instead, for people to put into their soup. It smelled delicious!

I skipped the garlic but I did eat the other treats. Not the really bad things such as gluten or cake. But the things you need to try every once in a while, just to check how the gut is doing. And also to prevent it from getting too touchy/vulnerable/diva like.

So I had some of her fantastic candy (nuts, dried fruits, orange juice, cookie spices. Chop in the blender. Shape into bars or balls)
A sip of honey and comb from her own bees (!!! how’s that for a hobby?! In the city no less!)
Homemade tomato soup from home made broth, with pieces of onion and pepper (paprika)
Dark chocolate bonbons.

It was all delicious and so full of love :)

But I did lie awake tonight with an upset gut. It spilled over into my brain and I was hyper and doomed and fresh out of joy de vivre. Luckily I recognized these feelings as just symptoms. No need to do anything about them, least of all “solve” them. Just wait. Calm yourself. Try and get some more sleep.

Then this morning I could not get out of bed, all ME and lethargic and messed up brain chemistry.

It’s an odd state to be in. You feel rotten and you just want to lay there and stop existing. But the only thing that will actually help is to get up, to get moving and to get those nasty poisons out of the system. (just by being upright, walking around the house, drinking water or tea)
It takes a lot of will power to make it happen. To get to the edge of the bed.

Now I’m downstairs. It’s a lovely day outside. I had a peek but went inside again, there’s just too much sunshine, bird song and leaves.
Instead I’m in front of the computer now. First mug of tea is gone. Ear mufflers are on. And I read a bit about IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).

They list the same foods I ate yesterday as triggers.
Whereas IBS symptoms are mostly noted in the bowel (diarrea or bloated feeling or gassiness) I’m sure there are symptoms in the brain too.
I can probably find some knowledge and experiences in that field that I can use for me. I’m already very pleased that they note stress as an influence on the bowel.
The gut-mind-gut connection is all too real for me.

Today I’m having a little pity party that even small nibbles of food will trigger brain chemistry symptoms in me. I will have to reject even little nibbles with nuts, like the easter treats we bought for ourselves.

I cannot decide if it was worth it.
I was really happy yesterday, sitting at my friends’ wooden dining table, enjoying her food.
But last night and today I feel truely rotten and I don’t know how long it will take for my gut to quiet down and my mood to lift.
Well, it’s another faulty question than. I should not try to value if it was worth it or not.
Yesterday I was happy, I should cherish the memory.
Today is today. Time to make new memories.

Either way: it’s back to chicken soup for me.
And movement. I will take my walk today and sit upright and move as much as possible and drink tea a lot. If I do just that, it will have been a good day.

When feelings are lies.

I came out of a dangerous depression. Which was caused by a lack of vitamine D, that all important hormone.

Even though I knew the depression had a chemical cause it did not hurt me any less. My ratio was no match for the powerful feelings.
It even went so far that I was not to be trusted to be by myself any more. The restrains on suicide had been eroded. And I am an efficient person.

The depression had been building from the start of January. By the start of February it was bad. I was like a caged animal. I knew something was wrong but I could not figure out what. I changed everything around: my stress levels, my diet, the methylation, the HRT, the place I slept. Nothing worked.

By the end of February it was becoming dangerous.
Just two days before I was to have myself committed or killed (yes) I thought of the vitamin D. Just gave it a shot.

I took one extra pill of 25 mcg, on top of the one I take every morning.
45 minutes later the depression lifted.

I was shocked.
Flummoxed.
Relieved.
And then outraged.

Later in the day the depression doomed over me again. Another 15 mcg of vit D took care of that.
This happened the next day too. But each time the depression lifted.
Within a few days I got rid of the depression all together.

I am still very angry. Because these kind of emotional rollercoasters take their toll, both physical and mental. Not to mention how much being depressed hurts, all those days of struggle, all those individual minutes of misery. And the dangerous level this one got to was really scary! I had left that level years in the past, it is not good for moral to have it resurface.
How it could have been avoided altogether. If I had just thought about it.

In October my doctor had told me to half the dose of vit D because my blood levels were now perfect: 85 where 60 to 80 is desired. Over the Summer I had brought it up from 52 by supplementing 50 mcg per day.
So I tapered down to 25 mcg and this is what I took all Winter.
Forgetting Winter eats vit D. As does the methylation I started. And forgetting I got the initial low level of 52 while supplementing 25mcg every day for months.

If I only had thought about vit D sooner.
But I was so fixed on those blood levels. They say too much vit D will show the same symptoms as not enough…

Now I know: MS people gladly aim for blood levels of 100.
Me, with various cell processes siphoning away the hormone and at least one receptor out of commission, should probably not go by blood levels at all but by cell functioning.

Anyway. It’s been two weeks. It was Monday the 3rd of March that I took the first extra vitamine D and had my lightbulb 45 minutes later.
Since then I’ve topped up and the depression has been gone for a solid 13 days now.

pic by Julien Osotimehin

I’ve found my optimistic self again. (it’s weird, being enraged and happy at the same time)
And in those two weeks I’ve also put in two days of solid work: research and writing.

I’m still working on a technical report to be used in the court case to stop the manure plant from being build in the field next to my cabin.
I’ve put in a solid six hour day of working at my desk. Twice.

This bids well for the future. If I can work one day a week I can do something I love: work on paper. Perhaps write my fairy tale musing. Or illustrate.

I also allocated other hours fairly well and kept stress and worries out of it.
But I have not found the time yet to sit and do that thinking exercise I wrote about in the previous post. Still having to set priorities and still not doing that too well (choosing hours of surfing over a walk or constructive thinking)(still: should’t beat myself op over things)(shouldn’t)

In the mean time it also has become Spring and my senses enjoy the sounds and smells of that. The warmth of the air. The colours. The call of the Lapwing.
My emotions run high, pulsed by the birds in my patch of woods and the way my cat jumps and runs through the grass.

I do not know what to do with these feelings. They are strong. And they evoke memories. Of Norway. Of dreams I had. Plans. Strong emotions again.

Probably nothing, there’s probably nothing one has to do with these feelings.

Last night a sense of urgency arose. That I need to get writing/illustrating soon. Because my life is flashing by. I’m already older than many (all) people who have careers.

I know this is rubbish. Nonsense. I suspect there’s a chemical in play here too.
But still, my ratio is no match for feelings.
So on my new search I go, looking for the element that causes urgency and a feeling of midlife crisis. I suspect Lithium (which shortage makes me feel a useless human being) or the Vanillin in some cream puffs I had yesterday (which excess makes me wired and sensed of doom).

I know for sure that thése kind of feelings are not the right kind of feelings. They are not the ones I get from Spring, love, beauty or shocking news. Those are real. But these, these are chemical feelings. They are not genuine. They are not me.

(in other news: I just slept two days through the night. After eating raw steak for dinner. This might not be a coincidence…)

pic by Makio Kusahara

PS
let me say that in no way I think that depression is caused by lack of vitamins, hormones or sun light. Depression is a serious thing, not something that is easily cured.
It’s just that in this case, my case and this particular depression, I knew it was chemical. I felt it. I knew it in my bones. But wether it was from hightened stress levels (due to court case manure plant) or something I was wrecking with the methylation or sleep deprivation I could not tell.
This depression, of me, in this time frame, had a chemical cause. This says nothing of depression in other people.

It is a horrible thing to suffer from depression. Or feel suicidal. Hang in there. Just busy yourself with living through the next 30 minutes. That’s all you need to do. Just the next 30 minutes. That’s something you can do.
After that: survive another 30 minutes. No more. No less.

Neurotransmitters: progesteron on the brain

Just for funsies I was wondering about the relation between noradrenaline (NA) and progesteron in the brain. Any neurotransmitter interference there?

Boy! Did I hit the jackpot!
It’s only from one source and I haven’t had time to check out the source itself or other sources or research but if this is true it connects a whole lot of dots.

the source: sexualhealthmedicine.com

PROGESTERON AND SEROTONINE
Progesteron and oestrogens claim serotonine receptors in the brain. Oestrogens promote the growth of these receptors, progesteron decreases it. This can account for some of the depressive feelings during PMS (post menstrual syndrome, occurring at least one week before the period, when oestrogens drop and leaves behind a field of serotonine receptors who’ve got nothing to feed upon).

PROGESTERONE AND MAO
Progesterone increases MAO activity, Estrogens decrease its functionality (!!)
Meaning Progesterone promotes excitatory neurotransmitters getting catabolized, broken down, whisked away.

People with progesterone deficiency have their brain bombarded longer by excitatory neurotransmitters? (it fits the symptoms of Estrogen excess)
How about people with progesterone deficiency AND a faulty MAO A enzyme? oooh boy….

Estrogens numbs the MAO enzyme, allowing the excitatory neurotransmitters to keep bouncing around in your head. People with natural high levels of these neurotransmitters are active, excited and happy (depending on their individual signature of the mix).
People who are low on these neurotransmitters (ADD people perhaps) get depressed when their Estrogen levels drop and Progesterone keeps egging on the break down of the few neurotransmitters they have. They would have very depressive PMS.

But it might be more complex than this. Balancing hormones teaches us that hormones are not like scales: add a little here and it will decrease over there. No, it is more complex.
Having higher levels of a transmitter makes its receptors more numb for it and makes the receptor for its antagonist more hungry. For example, taking more Progesterone enhances the level of Estrogen receptors. Making for more tender breasts during PMS, even though you are supplementing with higher levels of Progesterone than you ever had naturally.

SHORT QUESTION ABOUT HAPPINESS, ENDORPHINES
Might a happy feeling come from Endorphines and not from the mix of high dopamine and progesterone supplementation?
Progesterone correlates to feeling at ease, calm (hello PNS). Not happiness per sé.

PROGESTERONE IN THE BRAIN: SLEEP
Another article from the same source kept me awake last night:

  • Estrogenen increase the serotonergic, noradrenergic and opioidergic activity in the brain. (grrrrr!)
  • Progesterone increases MAO slightly. Progesterone’s most profound neuronal effect, however, results from its direct effect on the neuronal membrane. Progesterone has an inhibitory effect on neuronal excitation, depressing neuronal firing.
  • one of Progesterone’s metabolites is called Allopregnanolone. This is een neuroactive steroid. Allopregnanolone hyperpolarizes neurons by potentiating GABA-mediated synaptic inhibition. It acts at a neurosteroid-specific site on the GABAA receptor to facilitate chloride channel opening and prolong the inhibitory action of GABA on neurons. Allopregnanolone is one of the strongest ligands of GABAA receptors in the CNS, with a potency similar to that of the most potent benzodiazepines (Valium etc) and approximately a thousand times higher than pentobarbitals. (sleeping pills)
  • brain activity of progesterone and allopregnanolone is not dependent solely on ovarian and adrenal production. It is made in the brain itself.

TRANSLATION:

  1. Progesterone depresses neuronal firing.
  2. Its metabolite Allopregnanolone eggs on GABA activity (GABA is needed for REMsleep!)
  3. Allopregnanolone does the same as benzo’s do, the drug so many insomniacs turn to
  4. Allopregnanolone does what sleeping pills do a thousand times better
  5. Progesterone is made in the brain (what if my deficiency is expressed there too? Is it synthesized in the brain from cholesterol? How does this work?)

I
AM
GOING
TO
SCREAM
NOW

Just for a little bit.
It’s all those excited neurotransmitters you see. And not enough progesterone to depress neuronal firing.

I want more (to know about) Allopregnanolone.

 

PS a strong symptom of Progesterone overdose is sleepiness. Allopregnanolone would account for this, as it’s as potent as the strongest sleeping aids.

taking a Progesterone pill (100mg) is the one thing that gets me through the nigh and only during PMS time. Earlier in the cycle and I feel very very groggy the next morning.

PS2 on RisingPhoenix someone says that it’s oral Progesterone that gets converted to this Alloprgnanolone. Not so much the transdermal cream.

Depression lies. And so does the brain.

The Bloggess writes a weird and funny blog and sometimes she writes posts about being depressed. She writes honestly about depression and how it lies. Depression lies in general. In her case, it is caused by faulty chemistry and -thusly- is corrected by chemistry which take a while to kick in at the right dose which make for dark episodes.

I’m not sure if I’m depressed. I gather not because my moods swing from dark to lark many times a day. There’s probably another professional word for my case. And I am sure it is chemically caused also. Except I do not believe so when I am at a low. Or at a high, for that matter. In both cases I am convinced this is me. It feels like me,

The dark times are especially hard. Because at those time I see very clearly how life is put together, in general, for all living things. The fabric of life, the structure, the mechanics, the meaning. All of it.

And I see how my life has gone, from year to year, and how events influenced and shaped me, especially my spirit and heart. How I got hurt, misunderstood, thwarted and damaged. I notice these things with a clinical eye. Accepting that that is how life progresses.

That part makes me desperate.

The clear and calm analysis matched with the pain it causes.

On days like these I have to work very hard to tell myself it is all a lie. That my glasses are askew. That my brain is not functioning properly. That, even though it is a logical sound construction of thoughts, there is a fault. The crux is that the fault is not in the logic. It must be somewhere else. Perhaps in the premisse. Or in the value I attach to logic or clarity of mind. Over matters of the heart, I presume. (the problem with that being that my heart hurts so very much, stabbed my memories of events gone by or burning hopes)

Either way, there’s a lie here.

Yesterday I ate all kinds of bad foods. I had friends over and a wonderful day. I was over the moon. Full of plans. Today is a logical reaction to all those things, especially after a bad nights sleep. So my brain lies to me today. Probably.