Two more stops remain in my thinking exercise to shut up the feelings of unworthiness for once and for all. Today I meant to think about being me and what would truly give me a feel of worth, now that I have identified the white noise coming from other people’s values, my habits and faulty assumptions.
Unfortunately I’m having a cold and have trouble thinking clearly. A nice attempt to self sabotage. Also, I mislaid the used envelope on which I scribbled the keywords. Sabotage attempt nr 2.
So I’ll just write down some of the things that belong in this part. Later on I’ll try to make it into a coherent thought.
part 7: BEING ME
About what makes me feel worthy. Do not think about what is practical or what my daily limitations are, those are for part 8. Now I look at what makes me sing, what makes me happy (intellectually and otherwise)
I like an intellectual adventure. Thinking my way through something. It’s that sublimation thing I talked about.
I didn’t use an old envelope, I used my green owls notebook! I even showed you a picture of it! Duh.
I remember where I left that!
right, here we go:
- working on a fascination makes me feel good. Useful. Worthy.
- I need a visible endresult to feel good. The work needs to be concluded (not just be abandonded) and it needs to be visible. Perhaps aknowledged by others too.
- a new fascination will always pop up
- when there’s a bit of time between concluding of one fascination and the beginning of another I can easily start to feel worthless
What? That’s all I wrote? I thought so much more! There’s other things I want to say here. About what kind of fascinations, what kind of results. About being with friends. Even a brilliant piece about pretending I only have 3 months to live (as you do when you get a cold) and what nugget it brought up. But I’m too muddled right now to remember coherently!
I’m going to leave this here, as a starting point to build upon.
it had to do with blockprinting…working in my loft… producing a calender… I don’t remember! Aaaagh!
pic by Powerpay