The inability to make choices

Watching an episode from BBC series “The Brain with David Eagleman” I realize that normal people can do something I cannot: make choices.

Vanilla or Strawberry? Go left or right? Wear the blue or the green shirt?

pic by Svilen Milev

I don’t know and I cannot chose. I am unable to. I’m physically unable to. It just won’t come. I am stuck.

The documentary shows a lady who has the same characteristics. We’re both engineers and we both start to cry when having to make a simple choice.

Eagleman confuses choices with decisions which muddles up the episode somewhat. Decisions are rational processes and can be done by anyone or a computer when given the options, the parameters and the values to attach to the various components. I do these fine. Excellent even.

Choices are something different. They are rooted in personal preferences, whims and emotions. No one else can make a choice for you.

Ofcourse these are two extremes on a spectrum, in real life most decisions and choices have elements of each other. Decisions involve emotional whims and choices get based on rational arguments. But fundamentally they’re different.

Eagleman illustrates that to make a choice/decision both the rational part and the emotional part of the brain are necessary.
The woman had suffered brain damage in a motor cycle accident. She had the emotional and the rational part in her orbito-frontal cortex disconnected. As a result she’s now unable to make choices or even decisions. I don’t think she can work anymore.

She’s seen standing in front of a wall filled with different kind of potatoes and she’s just unable to actively pick one. She’s overwhelmed by all the options. She feels like crying.
She says she can’t process all the information, there’s just too much of it.

Tatertastic pic by Teresa Stanton

I have the same. But different. I can process all the information, I can see all the options, I can weigh them. But I’m not able to chose.
When it comes to a choice, where the options are rationally speaking all equal, I am unable to chose.

I come to a halt. Literally. If I push through I’ll get stressed and will cry. Just like the lady in the program.

Like I said, decision-making I do fine. Give me parameters or a goal and I’ll set out the best path towards it. I’m here for mashed potatoes? We’ll grab this one, it cooks to mush.

But you asking me whether I want fries or mashed potatoes for dinner? We’ll be hungry till Easter because I cannot make up my mind.

Easter Bunny Pals Deconstructed Fish Tacos LunchBot Bento< pic by Sheri Chen

This documentary points me to a possible cause: lack of integration between the logical and the emotional brain parts.

In me, I don’t believe it’s a physical connection. With me I think it’s a life long habit of preferring the rational and suppressing emotional processes. Not the touchy-feely weepy infatuated emotions but just the basic emotional running of the bodily system: small preferences, little whims, a tendency to make yourself comfortable.
I don’t have these on my radar. But I’m sure they’re there.

Eagleman and Reverse Therapy both offer the same location where to look for them: in the body. Focus on the body, relax and it will tell you what your emotional preferences are. A small tension in muscles; a little hint of drool at one option; seeing yourself in the near future with the one choice and liking what you see. Those are the clues.

doors pic by Ivan Malkin

I’m still learning to pick up on these. In the mean time I had developed some rational fixes to get to a choice:
1. in a choice all options are equal in value. Meaning there will be no wrong choice, whatever you chose. (realizing this eases my stress)
2. chose the option on the left.

It’s not ideal and it certainly doesn’t give the emotional pleasure of making the best choice but it gets me past the inability that hinders the lady in the documentary and that causes me so much stress.

Interesting stuff. This too fits in with the diagnosis of my illness. And my recovery from it.

Here’s the description of the episode I saw:

“The Brain with David Eagleman –
4. How Do I Decide?

Series in which Dr David Eagleman takes viewers on an extraordinary journey that explores how the brain, locked in silence and darkness without direct access to the world, conjures up the rich and beautiful world we all take for granted.

The human brain is the most complex object we’ve discovered in the universe, and every day much of its neural circuitry is taken up with the tens of thousands of decisions we need to make. This episode takes a journey through the unseen world of decisions, and how they get made. We start with a simple one – choosing a flavour of frozen yoghurt – and learn that every decision we make is born of a ‘winner takes all’ competition between rival neural networks.

We meet a woman who is unable to make decisions because of damage to her orbito-frontal cortex – an area that is key to integrating the signals streaming in from the body – and discover that feedback from the body is vital to the decision-making process. Dr Eagleman reveals that something as simple as when you ate your last meal can even influence life-changing decisions, as a study on judges showed they were less likely to give parole when they were hungry.

So many of our ‘conscious’ life-defining decisions are actually steered by unconscious influences, whether it’s deciding whom we find attractive or how to vote in the next election. Professor Read Montague reveals that he can be 95 per cent certain about which political party we will vote for based on our brain’s response to disgusting imagery. The more disgusted a brain response is, the more likely that person is to vote conservative.

Finally, Dr Eagleman takes a look at how we can take better control of the decisions we make, and uses an exciting new technique called fMRI neurofeedback to retrain the brains of drug addicts who want to make better decisions, to say ‘no’.”


Basic project: getting through the day

so I’m getting through the day, one half hour at the time.

It’s ok.

I’ve pushed away all things making a demand on me. Emails, to-do lists, finding the right beads for knitwork, determining the meaning of life.

I still tremble at times. From the inside and sometimes my hands too. I try not to worry. Just keep the cortisone supplemented and comfort my body. Stress kills, after all. It feels like I have to care for a small child and that’s exactly the attitude I adopt: soothing, caring, comforting. And radiating confidence.

An unexpected symptom today is that my intestines don’t work. (They were fine earlier this week, I was really a bit proud having them back online after digestion halted while on holiday in August and later when the weekend of Sept 14th left me dehydrated and with kidney inflammation). Today they’re gone again. Gut health does influence brain health so there’s that connection. My gut feels ill and its misery ripples through my whole body. I think it has something to do with a commercial gluten-guiche and salade I ate yesterday and perhaps the 1000mg of vit C and powerful Magnesium citrate.

Anyway, I know a few factors play into this. Gut health is one of them. Stress another. Nutrition levels. Mental hygiene. Hormones. What a waste of time though!

So today I know not to take things too seriously. Just rest and heal, rest and heal. Both the body and the brain.

There’s this nagging suspicion though, that if I set my mind to it, I can reason my way through that feeling of not-worthyness.

I may have a go at it…. try to come out at the other end, with a shiny new idea of what will make my life worth living.

I’d love to be one of those people that finds a cause!
And a set of adrenals to go please, to furnace the drive and get famous and inspire others and get cosmetic surgery and teeth whitened and look good at the back of a book.
Nah, I’m kidding. I’ve already determined that the spotlights are not right for me. But I’d love one single cause to revolve every day around, to look forward to every morning when getting out of bed.
As my brain is my most powerfool tool I do believe I could reason away this feeling of inadequacy…

Or would that be a foolish enterprise? Seeing that I am a bit vulnerable at the moment…

At least we can see that my fighting power is kindled again. I refuse to lay down and wither. I want to squash this.

oh, you should see me now, wouldn’t you laugh! I’m a crumpled up newspaper of a human being, wrapped in a ’70s woolen blanket from my nan on a sheeps’ fleece in a wooden cabin. There’s a cat under the blanket, snoring. There’s knitting everywhere, all tangles. My hair is “Peppi” (*the Dutch Stan Laurel*), my eyes are swollen, my hands trembling, my throat is dry and I can hardly look straight. And I’ve got all this fighting power in me.
You’re the only one who knows and also know that I cannot decide where to aim this will power at. Heehee, we’d laugh ourselves silly!


video to intro Peppi and Kokki

picture by Lorie B. Kellogg