The inability to make choices

Watching an episode from BBC series “The Brain with David Eagleman” I realize that normal people can do something I cannot: make choices.

Vanilla or Strawberry? Go left or right? Wear the blue or the green shirt?

ehhhhhhh………
pic by Svilen Milev

I don’t know and I cannot chose. I am unable to. I’m physically unable to. It just won’t come. I am stuck.

The documentary shows a lady who has the same characteristics. We’re both engineers and we both start to cry when having to make a simple choice.

Eagleman confuses choices with decisions which muddles up the episode somewhat. Decisions are rational processes and can be done by anyone or a computer when given the options, the parameters and the values to attach to the various components. I do these fine. Excellent even.

Choices are something different. They are rooted in personal preferences, whims and emotions. No one else can make a choice for you.

Ofcourse these are two extremes on a spectrum, in real life most decisions and choices have elements of each other. Decisions involve emotional whims and choices get based on rational arguments. But fundamentally they’re different.

Eagleman illustrates that to make a choice/decision both the rational part and the emotional part of the brain are necessary.
The woman had suffered brain damage in a motor cycle accident. She had the emotional and the rational part in her orbito-frontal cortex disconnected. As a result she’s now unable to make choices or even decisions. I don’t think she can work anymore.

She’s seen standing in front of a wall filled with different kind of potatoes and she’s just unable to actively pick one. She’s overwhelmed by all the options. She feels like crying.
She says she can’t process all the information, there’s just too much of it.

Tatertastic pic by Teresa Stanton

I have the same. But different. I can process all the information, I can see all the options, I can weigh them. But I’m not able to chose.
When it comes to a choice, where the options are rationally speaking all equal, I am unable to chose.

I come to a halt. Literally. If I push through I’ll get stressed and will cry. Just like the lady in the program.

Like I said, decision-making I do fine. Give me parameters or a goal and I’ll set out the best path towards it. I’m here for mashed potatoes? We’ll grab this one, it cooks to mush.

But you asking me whether I want fries or mashed potatoes for dinner? We’ll be hungry till Easter because I cannot make up my mind.

Easter Bunny Pals Deconstructed Fish Tacos LunchBot Bento< pic by Sheri Chen

This documentary points me to a possible cause: lack of integration between the logical and the emotional brain parts.

In me, I don’t believe it’s a physical connection. With me I think it’s a life long habit of preferring the rational and suppressing emotional processes. Not the touchy-feely weepy infatuated emotions but just the basic emotional running of the bodily system: small preferences, little whims, a tendency to make yourself comfortable.
I don’t have these on my radar. But I’m sure they’re there.

Eagleman and Reverse Therapy both offer the same location where to look for them: in the body. Focus on the body, relax and it will tell you what your emotional preferences are. A small tension in muscles; a little hint of drool at one option; seeing yourself in the near future with the one choice and liking what you see. Those are the clues.

doors pic by Ivan Malkin

I’m still learning to pick up on these. In the mean time I had developed some rational fixes to get to a choice:
1. in a choice all options are equal in value. Meaning there will be no wrong choice, whatever you chose. (realizing this eases my stress)
2. chose the option on the left.

It’s not ideal and it certainly doesn’t give the emotional pleasure of making the best choice but it gets me past the inability that hinders the lady in the documentary and that causes me so much stress.

Interesting stuff. This too fits in with the diagnosis of my illness. And my recovery from it.

Here’s the description of the episode I saw:

“The Brain with David Eagleman –
4. How Do I Decide?

Series in which Dr David Eagleman takes viewers on an extraordinary journey that explores how the brain, locked in silence and darkness without direct access to the world, conjures up the rich and beautiful world we all take for granted.

The human brain is the most complex object we’ve discovered in the universe, and every day much of its neural circuitry is taken up with the tens of thousands of decisions we need to make. This episode takes a journey through the unseen world of decisions, and how they get made. We start with a simple one – choosing a flavour of frozen yoghurt – and learn that every decision we make is born of a ‘winner takes all’ competition between rival neural networks.

We meet a woman who is unable to make decisions because of damage to her orbito-frontal cortex – an area that is key to integrating the signals streaming in from the body – and discover that feedback from the body is vital to the decision-making process. Dr Eagleman reveals that something as simple as when you ate your last meal can even influence life-changing decisions, as a study on judges showed they were less likely to give parole when they were hungry.

So many of our ‘conscious’ life-defining decisions are actually steered by unconscious influences, whether it’s deciding whom we find attractive or how to vote in the next election. Professor Read Montague reveals that he can be 95 per cent certain about which political party we will vote for based on our brain’s response to disgusting imagery. The more disgusted a brain response is, the more likely that person is to vote conservative.

Finally, Dr Eagleman takes a look at how we can take better control of the decisions we make, and uses an exciting new technique called fMRI neurofeedback to retrain the brains of drug addicts who want to make better decisions, to say ‘no’.”

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Drawing up the map of my health and plotting where to go.

Right. Time to get an overview of my health and identify the various aspects and their symptoms. In order to have a clear understanding which daily medicines and measures are targeted at which aspect. In order to get a clear view of topics that are not covered and need more research.

My personal collection of issues, in no particular order:

  1. Progesteron deficiency. Not clear whether it’s ovary-caused or an enzyme issue. Clear is that I lack the hormone and, over time, my adrenals have not been able to keep substitute production up. Substitute; HRT. 10 mg per day blood level. Perimenopause is acting up lately, moodswings. Up to 20 mg.
  2. Nervous System not well instructed, tendency to do Fight or Flight as default. Three decades of this caused some damage and infavourable habits. Habits countered with therapy, Amygdala retraining, hypnose, EMDR. Daily conscious attention needed.
  3. some food and other sensitivities. Some are caused by gene make up. Gluten, dairy, green leaves, whole grains. Vanille flavouring, garlic, glutamate, caffeine. Blood sugar (and insuline) react intense to sweet tastes.
  4. immune system. Very robust, I don’t get colds or the flu. Needs more research though because I have a sore throat every night and react badly to dust. Gets influenced by cortisol-intake. Skin doesn’t heal well.
  5. adrenal insufficiency, acquired. They need fortification. Taking hydrocortison, 20 mg per day.
  6. explainable other things: cold extremities when I don’t take enough Iodium; crankyness when PMS; crankyness when not enough sleep; light headiness when not enough salt/BP; shoulder impingement
  7. unexplained symptoms since birth: sleep pattern. Pillow = zonk! 5 hours later I wake up in a state, takes 1,5 hours to calm down and get normal body temperature. Then I can sleep another 1,5 hours. Wake up unrefreshed. Sore thoat every morning. Slow heart rate (42 bpm), it sped up since 2010, at 60 bpm now.
  8. unexplained symptoms since 2008: fatigue; difficulty maintaining homeostasis; not able to function long in upright position (standing or sitting); brain fog; duodenum uptake only works when lying down; “heavy” limbs and body; not able to handle sounds, stress, surprises or temperature changes. Liver and bile problems (not working). Some awful thoughts due to faulty brain chemistry. Something with vit D. I need to seriously pace myself, it’s a necessity. No pain, grateful for that.

There we are. An interwoven complex of symptoms. I can assign most of the things I notice on a day to day basis to one of these (and act accordingly). Apart from the things at points 7 and 8.

The other things require a constant managing. From my stress levels to my food, from my house chores to the choices of social interactions. Which pill to take when and how much. Monitoring thoughts and feelings and allowing some and blocking others.
It’s a drag and a full time job!

But I need to step up my game because new things need my attention:

Lately the Progesteron thing is getting more difficult, where the feelings of despair are more intense and the HRT doesn’t resolve it.
This needs some more research since it’s probably time to look at oestrogen replacement and the connection with vit D, considering my age (menopause is looming). Before, any oestrogen would give me endometriosis and phyto-estrogen (soya yoghurt) would cause spotting. This may have changed.

The immune-system: I have only a basic understanding of. Cortisol dampens it and this is desirable but not too much. Stress dampens it (via cortisol) and this is not desirable at all.
I’d like to get down to the details. Learn about the various cells (T-cells) and what they need to function. I bet the lymph system is involved and it’s fond of fat so that’s interesting. What proteins and enzymes do the immune system cells prefer? Do I have those in abundance? Are some gene mutations hindering functionality? Why does anti-histamine work so well to relieve sleep problems in people with ME?

Do I have chronic infections that could explain the rest symptoms? My onset of this chronic fatigue and other problems was typical for an infection: a short bout of “flu” in Spring 2008 and I never got up from the bed. Crippling fatigue, brain fog, not the strength to keep my head up and eat something.
Adrenal issues played a role in that, back then. Some symptoms, especially the not (mental) responsiveness until some (salty) food touched my tongue is illustrative of adrenal crash. My husband had to physically put something in my mouth, while I lay drooling in my bed, before I could open my eyes, think and talk.
But weeding out those symptoms and the ones caused by Progesteron deficiency leaves me with some that indicate chronic infection. My overall body system is hindered by something. Something clogging the system in the core. Clogging cell functionality. I just don’t seem to produce the ATP I did before.
There are some parasites who interfere with ATP production. Some bacteria such as Chlamydia Pneumonia and Rickettsia.

I’ve encountered the following parasites for sure, because my husband and my cats are proven carriers: EBV; Herpes; Chlamydia Pneumonia; Rickettsia. Coxiella burnetii.
I’ve also been bitten by ticks when I was 23 years old. No signs of infection have emerged back then. I got sick when I was 37 yo.
I got sick 3 weeks after visiting a sheep’s farm with fresh lambing that later on turned out to have Q-fever (Coxiella burnetii.)

Ah and there is one thing I do not wish to research at this moment. My heart. I’ve been experiencing weird rhythms and tight feelings. But I know the heart does this in many people. And I know people with ME are prone to develop collapsed matrial valve. And I have long term high cholesterol, due to my medicines.
These heart things are recent, the last 5 weeks. They occur daily now. I’ll let my GP listen to my heart when I see him in 3 weeks. But I will not research this topic.

Lastly I came up with three theories of what has happened to me in 2008 and after that. Trying to explain for the weird bout of healing I experienced last year:

  1. I got infected in 2008 and now have a chronic infection that wrecks my body. This is what ME seems to be, a chronic infection with a bug that hinders normal cell functionality. Akin to malaria, Lyme, HIV, EBV, Hepatitis and the lot. It comes and goes. But it never leaves.
  2. I got infected in 2008 and conquered the infection. But somehow a switch got turned and now my body operates in a different way, not allowing for maximum health. These switches could be genes that were turned on. Or habits/modus operandi the body settled into. Perhaps I flipped the switch on May 1st 2014 but the stress of Spring 2015 flipped it back.
  3. Whatever happened in 2008 for certain is that on May 1st 2014 I healed overnight (the night I started 100 mg of daily Progesteron and Gupta Amygdala Retraining). I was slowly but certainly healing from that day on until Februari 2015. Then the cat got sick, I experienced some major stress and subsequently fell ill again (bile gave out, liver pain). Have not recovered. Did I get infected by her eye conjunctivitis bacteria back then? Is this nothing but a second stint of intracellulair parasites?

Just three things to keep in mind. To keep my mind open about what’s happening. To consider alternatives and not get stuck on one particular idea about what my illness is and where I am in the process.

My research topics for the coming months, in no particular order:

  1. HRT for peri-menopause: oestrogen, vit D
  2. immune system: T-cells and their sisters, fat digestion and distribution through body (skin, collagen), lymphe system, reaction to chronic infections, tools for intracellular parasites
  3. intracellular parasites. How do they live, what environment and nutrition do they want. What are the likely culprits in my case?
  4. are there alternatives to long term anti-biotics to battle intra cellulair parasites. Can cellulair environments be altered to annoy the little buggers for example? (acidity; flush out certain amino acids; ketogenic energy modus; aid T-cells)
  5. the liver problems. This is a specific thing in me. Bile production stops with stress. I want to help my liver. Research the amino acids Glycine, Taurine and Niacin.

Three and five are subjects I am genuinely interested in. Intellectual curiosity. I want to learn about these topics, regardless of my personal situation.
This is good. I need some topics of thought to direct my attention to when I start moping or thinking about the grand scheme of things (which leads to depressive fatalistic thoughts). Part of the mental hygiene routine that’s required when you’re dealing with chronical illness, moodswings and/or life in general when you’re a sensitive and alert human being.

Well this is it. The map. The routes. Better get started.
I estimate to ponder these things for about three months.
In between there will be that GP visit (main goal is getting psychiatric help for the brain chemistry thing).
And the manure factory plans are coming to an all high in the coming months too, it’s at the highest court of my country at the moment and the engineers’ rapport I wrote (in February 2014, right in the middle of the stress!) is one of the key features. I expect to write some more documents and meet with experts on a moments’ notice. This will put me to bed without a doubt.

I heartily hope no other stress factors emerge in my life because I do not have the reserves to cope. Please no family crises or friends in danger or cat-astrophies. In the mean time I shield myself from world news and noise and bad foods
I’m addressing the known health factors in the numbered list at the top like nobody’s business, doing all the right things. I can’t go out, I’ve already cancelled all wooly meetings I had planned, I’m resigned to being housebound again. Only with careful pacing will I meet the two challenges described (GP and court case) and preserve the current level of health.

Hopefully my research will unearth some new things to try and give me a leg up to get to better health again. I’ve also mourned the fact that I’ll never work again. And that I may never get to another level of health. This is behind me now, I’m now sailing through a blissful bout of denial about the latter thought. The realisation of a dwindling life comes and goes. But never leaves. The Nile is a lovely place to visit every once and a while.
pic by Sarah Corr

I build my Faraday’s cage!

Faraday cage yshield silver tulle
I have build myself a Faraday’s cage!
It will shield my body from all the High Frequency Radiation that’s going on, especially when I’m in the city, from sources such as mobile phone networks and wifi’s. We get up to 14 wifi networks in our house in the city!

These high frequency waves may very well mess with the body cells, with functions that perhaps use the same frequencies? It could be Sodium Potassium pump (the Na Ka process, the Natrium Kalium pump to non-US folk) or with synapses firing in the brain. I do not sleep well in the city, with all the networks going on, and have had a suspicion these fields were bothering me for a long time now. No better way to try out a theory than put it to the test!

The fabric is Silver Tulle from the company Yshield.com. It is a knitted nylon, coated with a little bit of silver. Silver is a good conductor. This fabric is one of the best shielding fabrics there is. It shields up to 50 dB at 1 GigaHerz and as these scales are logarithmic (the result doubles with every step) this provides way better shielding than say a fabric or fleece or gauge that shields 40 dB.

Sewing jersey is a pain. With shielding material it is important that there are no holes in the construction and especially the seams need to be folded over. As any knitted fabric has a tendency to roll at the sides, I put the two pieces right sight to wrong side, so they wanted to roll together, and sewed the seam.
Indeed it rolled and this seam is now part of a perfectly closed cage of Faraday:
Faraday cage yshield silver tulle

The frame consists of the flexible tubes I got from a childrens playhouse:
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I put it on its side, removed the cloth (which made the tubes SPROIING! into round hoops).
I keep them in a longer, flatter shape with some woven bands.
Faraday cage yshield silver tulle
I specifically chose my most favourite woven band, long ago purchased to use on clothing. As I’ll be spending many an hour in this tent I like something nice to look at. It is also why I have them with the nice side facing inwards.
I attached snaps at the ends. This way I can amend the shape and the measurements of the tent.

Tubes with fabric draped over it:
Faraday cage yshield silver tulle

Entrance through the side:
Faraday cage yshield silver tulleOnce inside I fold the fabric under so the fabric overlaps all around.

It works!
Faraday cage yshield silver tulle

Next week I’ll take it to the city and take my daily rests in it. I wonder what the outcome will be! But first I’ll add a felted underlayer. That way the cat can join me. She really wants to but the fabric is too vulnerable for her love stamping feet clawing.

Another thing to consider is that silver has a tendency to discolour. That is why I can expect discolouration from oxidation and from the oils in my hands. Not to worry. A true testing engineer doesn’t mind ;)

I want to add a big thank you to Yshield.com in Germany. It’s with them that I bought this fabric. Their customer service is excellent. They are very friendly and personally oriented. And they know their technical stuff!
I called them early one morning to ask a question I had mentioned only the previous evening by email and the lady answering didn’t need any introduction, as soon as she heard my name she switched to English and knew what I was talking about. A really good company I gladly recommend.

Delivery was fast, free and well secured:
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I am not paid for this endorsement.

Having a day off from putting out the garbage.

I took the day off yesterday: I didn’t take my pills.

Did take the hydrocortison ofcourse. And vit. D. And lots of bio-identical progesteron. (I’ll be having my period any day now and my breasts were killing me. Also quite a bit of PMS symptoms so progesteron I took a lot of.  NPC creme on the breasts and Utrogestan pills orally. It helps.)

But I did not take Methyl B12 and no Folinic Acid nor Zinc.

Amazingly I felt better and better during the day and by the end of the day I caught myself singing while doing some house work. Yes, insert googly eyes here too!

At night I was so well that I made the conscious decision not to be bothered by some heavy trucks that were parked nearby, rumbling stationary throughout the night. I just turned 180 degrees in my bed so my feet were facing the noise, let out a sigh and thought of nice things:

I slept through the night!  As customary I did wake up after five hours of deep sleep but contrary to other nights I just turned on my other side and went back to sleep. No two hours of waking.

My conclusions from this day:

  1. I took one day off from detoxifying.
  2. I am detoxing on a physiological pace: one day at a time. Just like the hormones I take: no more than what the body can process in one day.
  3. underneath the detoxing I am quite healthy! I’m so glad to note how well I felt during the day. That is my baseline, my point of reference. The detox-symptoms have clouded it for months now but I feel really assured to have it resurface so soon.
  4. this MTR/MTRR detoxification uses a lot of progesteron. In the whole Methylation cycle progesteron is needed. Other people with these mutations should know this, especially women.

 

in other news: I have elaborated my theories on human cell biology.

I think each cell has the habit of storing garbage in the outer tips of its cell. In this fantastic little video of a white bloodcell chasing a bacterium amongst red blood cells you see how it drags along a black kind of tail behind itself. I believe this to be the cellular rubbish bin, stored in a place where it interferes the least.

white-cell-garbage-bag

link to video of white blood cell chasing and engulfing a bacteria. Yay body defense system!

When the cell divides the two daughter cells each get one tip of rubbish. This garbage gets handed down to the next generation with each cell division. It progresses down the line and builds up a little with each cell life. Eventually it’s the outer cells that inherit the most rubbish from previous generations. The cells between them inherit less rubbish from their parents.

cell-divide-garbage

tidbits: it takes cells 20 minutes to divide. Unless it’s a special cell, then it can take hours. Red blood cells live up to 140 days. (I am quoting from memory…)

In ‘normal humans’ each cell clears out a lot of its garbage via the Methylation Cycle.

In ‘freaky interesting humans’ with mutations in the Methylation Cycle this day-to-day rubbish isn’t getting cleared away and remains in the cells. Stored in the tips. Eventually it gets passed down to next generations as shown by my ‘interesting’ sketch above.

In the end the cell cannot divide anymore, it dies and spills all its contents in the extracellular space where other cells try and clean it up. Store it in rubbish bags of their own.

In my 30+ years me and my cells have gathered a lot of garbage. All the broccoli I ate that I couldn’t process. Any alcohol (including the ones in beauty products), any exhaust fumes, anestetic. Garlic. Cell debris from x-rays.

My cells stored so much garbage, I believe, that their overall functionality eventually got hindered. Putting my body under stress, causing system wide symptoms of illness. In my case: hormonal imbalance, stress illnesses, adrenal misfunction, malnutrition, sugar addiction etc. And lets not forget behaviour and sensitivities that remind my doctor of people with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

It could as easy have been a late onset auto-immune disease or diabetes, I feel. Or a ‘vague’ illness we mainly associate with women. (such as ME, CFS, Irritated Bowel Syndrome, etc).

Well. Today leisure is over, it’s back to cleaning up garbage for me.

I wonder how long it takes, how long it will be before the rubbish is cleared and I can get my mind back… Yesterday I even thought about art and design and working! But as long as there’s rubbish I cannot. I do have to amend that legal/technical document this week however, to prevent the shit-fermenting-plant they are planning to build in the field next over. That will be quite enough to keep my rubbish mind busy.
And there’s my period, today or tomorrow. I am prepared: there is food in the house, warm blankets and lots of earplugs. No visitors. I will have a blissfull two days to myself. Just drinking tea, holding my tummy and writing that paper.
 

 

health: new knowledge twirls in my head.

I’m reading dr. Yasko’s free e-book: “Autism, pathways to discovery”.

It doesn’t cut to the core of things fast enough to my liking but then, this book is written to coach parents without any interest in biochemistry into understanding how they can help their children.

Basically: when biochemistry is messed up, children of today will display autistic behaviour. Delay or regression in speech, eye contact etc. When the chemistry is restored this behaviour disappears. Extraordinary!

dr. Amy explains why children now have this problem and not children of 30 years ago (they get ME/CFS or Fibromyalgia) and not children of 60 years ago (they get Alzheimers.) It is all the same principle: genetic constitution + environmental toxins (including food) + your age at first exposure.

go here to the website of dr. Amy Yasko

Genetic constitution accounts for your ability to process foods and toxins. Children from the last 40 years are more troubled by their genetic make-up then people from before that period. The genes are still the same but the build up of toxins and the sensivity to them increases with youth. Which is why my parents only recently have started thinking about vitamins while I cannot function without 60 mcg of vit. D daily. At least.

Where I a newborn today, I’d be probably diagnosed with autisme before the age of 4. And only if my now-parents would supply me with all the micro-nutrients I cannot process from food by myself would that diagnosis be reverted. As it is with many of dr. Amy’s patients. (we are talking thousands, not hundreds of babies)

Let me be clear: these diagnoses of autism concern children with autistic behaviour. I believe all autistics are diagnosed by their behaviour? Well, some can be reversed or lessened by micro-nutrients. As well as aggravated as any parent of an autistic child knows. (I’ll not clear at all, am I?)

Well, I’ve only just delved into this material myself….

Combined with my genetic info from 23andme.com it gives me a lot to think about. And experiment with.

There’s biochemistry on a cellular level to learn (google “methylation cycle” or ) read this .pdf., I found it very enlightening. Skip over the first diagram and go to where there are simple drawings and simple explanations:

mythelation community illustratie

from autismnti.com. The best document about the methylation cycle I read before delving into Dr.Amy’s book.. Go read it here.

Here you see the basic activity that happens in all human cells: there’s energy being generated; there’s waste being eliminated; neurotransmitters are being made; folic acid and B12 are transformed and enzymes are activated by attaching or removing a methylgroup to their ‘recipe’: the DNA-code. That last part is what ‘methylation’ means. Attach a methyl group to a molecule and things start happening.

This cycle shows that these five parts interact and which amino-acids, vitamins, hormones and enzymes are crucial at which stage.

Now see that little flag called MTR/MTRR between the two processes on the right? I’ve got mutant flags right at that spot. Which means, now that I am reading up on this, means I don’t process folic acid or B12 very well.

So starting this week I am trying out supplements (the already processed forms of folic acid and B12) to see what happens…..

Boy! I got cured for two days!

My body was SO RELIEVED to receive Methyl-B12, I took it and a spring of calm welled up inside me.. Not like the calm progesteron gives me, that is more of a wave washing over me, happily greeted by my body. This M-B12 calm welled up from the inside. Very strange!

Than I was happy, energetic, active untill the effect worn off after about 6 hours. I remained verrrrry suspective.

I also got a bit too hyper as all kinds of toxins got released (the waste disposal part of the cycle sped up too) but I took lots of herbal tea and roughage (raw carrots and boiled cellery in fat chicken soup) to help my liver and bile and bowels to eliminate waste. I still noticed alterations in my brain chemistry but I’ve learned to cope with those. They were not too severe.

The third day I got very ill. Spend all day on the couch being very unhappy, desperate even. A symptom I associate with a lithium shortage. Turns out you have to take lithium with these supplements as the cycle depletes it fast. I’ve been taking lithium (the mineral, not the drug) for ages not knowing why except that I need it or I’ll get mood disorder/despair. Now I find out there’s a biochemical explanation for that. The first two days of happiness depleted my little storage of lithium and I have another mutant flag that depletes my lithium anyway. There’s just a scientific explanation for my desperation, right there in the research…

As there is for the vit.D I need to take. And the progesteron. And the zinc. And the magnesium citrate. And the ginger root. And the cellery. And the beef. And the chicken soup. And the need for silence. And the getting out of the city and away from smog. And getting my amalgam fillings out. And stop doing tainted glass. And all the things I have gravitated towards in the past few years.

I am very shaken by all this. I am shaken that all those little naggings I feet inside and that promp me to do this or take that now seem to have a scientific base.

And all the weird things I stopped eating (garlic, gluten, cheese, nuts, vegetable oil, milk, green leaf vegetables, hummus, beans, lean meat, fruit, asparagus, nutmeg, alcohol, sugars, glutamate, aspartate) all have a scientific base too. It is not pickyness it’s sulfur foods and neuro-exitants and too rough on the intestines and the wrong fats and all other kinds of reasonable things.

pic by Vasile Bulgac

As I said, I’m very shaken. I am afraid I will now praise my ‘sensitivities’ and ‘quirks’ now that some (all?) of them are confirmed and that I will taunt them and insist on behaving odd.

Also what is happening to my body now is scary. Now that I have started some specific supplements for my genes things are changing in my body. I have little headaches from toxins release. There’s still a copper dump going on as I balance my zinc levels. I forget to take my hydrocortison, I don’t need it for the energy as my brain is firing a lot. If I take it I get very hungry (this is a sign of too much cortisol as people with Cushing’s disease know). I have slept three night for 6 hours or longer.

It’s not that I am cured. It is just that things are happening. I’m very wired and I’m also still recovering from the previous month(s). I frequently forget to pee and things are just stormy here.

What I have not been doing is working. I have not even thought about bacteria or writing. The garden got the better of me this year. And I cannot concentrate long enough to dabble in design.

That leaves art. I have been thinking about that.

And life. I’ve been thinking about life a lot too. But words make these thoughts so flat and meaningless. “You live. And then you die. Wether you’re a human or a fly. Both live meaningfull lives. Don’t presume a human life is worth more than that of the fly. To the human in question it is, of course, but in the grand scheme of things they mean the same. Which means that the value of my life lies in between the minutes. It’s when I am not planning and accomplishing that my life  reaches its grandeur.” And so on.

Nothing concrete yet. I think I need a few months to physically ease into this mythelation thing and to emotionally recover from the passing of my grandmother and adjust to life  in general (again).

I am here though. I live, in between the moments. Looking ahead.

.

“where dwells my mind?”

work by anna

“sitting at a table, looking out through the window: where dwells your mind?” this is the main question I want to answer in this blog. It will tell me where to head in the coming years. Possible subjects: cuttlefish; nervous system; colour. I remember some thoughts on art. Continue reading