To sum it up: my ME, my 80% recovery, my relapse and recovery plan.

Hello, I was trained as an engineer and I’ve approached this black box of a disease as such: entertain working theories but only act upon results.

I was bed bound and brainfogged in 2008 and 2009. In the beginning it was very severe ME. I didn’t know my own name. I had to be spoonfed in the morning before I could even lift my head. I think I was at 10 % health of a normal person. Maybe 5%.

I took my recovery in my own hands when the doctor said: “There’s so much wrong with you, I don’t know where to start!”
My reaction: “Then it probably doesn’t matter where we start. I’ll start with digestion then.
Digestion was the only thing that gave us something to go at: my stools where grayish white and floating. I was malnourished. Something wasn’t working: bile. And with that the uptake of nutrients in the duodenum.

Because I had special bouts of insomnia at night (hyper-alert from 3 to 4.30 at night) I could read basic biology books and later on more specialized books and write to-do-notes to myself for the morning.
Thanks to these studies and some trials I devised for myself I managed to identify problem areas and what I should do about them. I worked my way through digestion; hormones; adrenals; nervous system; sleep and mental health. I tackled about one subject per year.

Whenever I started investigating a new subject I didn’t know what I was doing or where it would take me. But each and every year I made remarkable discoveries and, by applying them, progress.
Overall I slowly recovered to a housebound level, without brainfog or pain, just tiredness and no robustness for stress (bodily or mind). And I was being happy. For the first time I lived in the moment and I was happy with the moment, without planning the next one.

Then in May 2014 I healed miraculously overnight and got to 80% health at x-mas 2014.

My working theory:

  1. everybody has their own personal bodily signature that facilitates the onset of their version of ME.
  2. in every PWME the Autonomic Nervous System is perpetually scrambled.

My solutions:

  1. identify personal factors and address them. All of them. (Basically you have to change your life in every aspect.) (In my case: Progesteron deficiency + insuline hyper sensitive + always in Fight or Flight + never slept through the night + MAO A kaput + hyperalert personality + hear and smell everything + a virus/bacterie in Spring 2008 + shot adrenals by mid 30s + food issues + insulin issues)
  2. take away all (personal) stressors that bug the ANS + teach it to react different to impulses.

That last one is not so easy but the ANS and the brain are plastic and fluid, you can teach it new ways.
For me, I used Gupta Amygdala retraining; EMDR and am looking into dr. Goldstein methodes of influencing brain paths chemically. You could also try meditation or mindfullness. I also did some CBT and even hypnosis and am trying my hand now at Reverse/Mickel Therapy. All to try and learn new thought habits in order to influence neuro transmitters.
The goal is to influence the physiology of things, not the psychology of things. Psychology has nothing to do with the cause of the illness. ME is not a mind-thing, it’s a body-thing.

From the start I knew I had additional adrenal problems, on top of the viral onset Chronic Fatigue. That’s why I read a lot about the bodily stress responses, especially dr. Selye who coined the term “stress” (when he actually meant “stressor”).

The body has some powerful systems to deploy when survival is at stake. The Stress Response is one. The insuline response is another. These are The Big Guns the body has and they should be avoided because they alter the normal modus of the body and have a lot of collateral damage. These are two systems that you cannot fool around with or be careless about. This is survival stuff. When the body gets bloody serious about something. Don’t taunt it.
That’s why I eat for chronic neutral blood sugar levels.

For the bodily Stress Response I’m avoiding all the things that my body perceives as stressors. They can be as ridiculous as garlic, in-laws or warm showers. I’m not arguing with my body, if it’s bugged by it I avoid it. I use my high-sensitivity to check whether something is ok or not. This gets me results.

I’m addressing all the non-ME things that burden my body such as hormone shortages, a diet that provides level blood sugars and methylation-problems. These are not the cause of ME but I cannot heal if I don’t fix these. For these things I had tests done and am under doctor’s supervision.

That leaves the mysterious last piece of the puzzle: the ME-thing. The chronic thing that keeps causing problems.
Is it an intracellular parasite gnawing at my nerves or at my mitochondria? Is it some sort of unhealthy ANS-modus that my body has gone into and needs to snap out of? Is it a permanent eroding of the intracell signalling devices?
I don’t know. It’s the piece that prevents me from going from 80% to 100% health.
(My instinct says there’s an invader continually bugging my body. But my body can co-exist with it, if there are no additional stressors in my life.)

On May 1st 2014 I started Gupta Amygdala and taking 100mg oral micronized Progesteron every day, regardless of cycle. (I keep repeating: Progesteron is not a sex hormone. It’s an adrenal hormone and it’s a neurotransmitter.)

On May 2nd I started healing.

Understanding Gupta and practising it clicked everything into gear that day. On top of all the things I was doing right to address the other issues (food, posture, hormones etc.) I had found the thing to influence ANS. It relaxed at once and health was restored.

Healing is a slow process. I had to keep taking my rests. I had to pace myself very much. No weird foods. No sudden activities, even though I burst from energy.
Over the coming months I slowly build up my activity level and my stamina. Until I was at 80% health and could do anything I wanted and meet friends and take drives. I was thinking about work again, a career. (still not eating weird stuff etc., those things are changed for life)

Then in Spring 2015 my precious 80% health took a nosedive when two normal stress life events happened. Just normal things. It could have been anything (an accident, a robbery, falling pregnant, going through a divorce, getting married, death of a parent-in-law, moving house, graduating, etc. etc.) In my case the cat nearly died (10 days of extreme stress for us and months of fear and worries afterwards) and I had to write an engineer’s rapport for court to prevent a big manure plant happening right next to the cabin that is my place of peace out in the country. (as an engineer I’m not against plants or manure but the plant is not designed securely and the predicted odour emissions were not measured right). Writing was stressful as is participating in the judicial process that puts more weight on procedural integrity than common sense. Parties are not there to solve a problem together, which is an engineer’s point of view.

We’re now 8 months later and both issues are resolved (cat is healthy again; the rapport is at the highest court of the country and there’s nothing I can do anymore) and I’m severely housebound again. I’m at 40-45% health I think. I can leave the house once a week for groceries or I can meet someone (receive visitors or visit them) once every two weeks. I’m very wired and I react to all the small things.

But I didn’t fall back to bed bound nor the 10% health level where I was in 2008/2009. Nor do I have brain fog. I did have that awful experience with PMS-from-hell (PMDD) but that seems to have gone now too with Zinc-supplements.

Now I’m trying to get back into that relaxed mode I was in last year. Out of Fight or Flight.
Back to being friends with my body, back to embracing and carrying that small inner child that’s so afraid and feels so unsafe.
It’s frustrating that just thinking it doesn’t make it so. Getting out of wired-ness takes some time and practise. It’s not an intellectual mind-thing. You can’t plan it, you can only invite it.

But I’m sure I’ll get there again, into that pool of peace and ease. I’ve nearly never stopped doing all the things I need to do (all the personal signature things from point 1) so my baseline is still pretty robust.
I’m therefore confident that I will regain some health, now that the life events are dealt with.

Besides this future goal I’ve now experienced what happens when my system gets put under these kinds of life stresses again. It’s scary but I didn’t die and I don’t need to worry (much) about the future stress events that will surely happen in my lifetime.

What happens in my body and is not to be worried about is:
– my liver stops producing bile (this means a major waste removal pathway is blocked and nutrients aren’t being absorbed);
– my body usurps all kinds of minerals fast and from the lack of it I get depressed and even suicidal (PMS-from-hell and dopamine shortage caused because Zink was gone);
– I cannot focus (both eyes and attention);
– I cannot relax (both body and mind) (and therefor not digest my food properly).

This is all natural and won’t kill me. They do need to be addressed though because I cannot afford to undergo these things for long. That’s why attached to this post is a little reminder-note for myself. The things I need to do the next time life comes a’knocking.

I’m really confident about getting into that relaxed ANS modus again. Confident that I’ll get there and confident that it will heal me again.
On the ME forum Phoenix Rising I’ve been reading posts by James7a who recovered 100% and I’ve also been watching video’s by Neuffer who also recovered 100%.
They both practise according to my ANS working theory and they came up with their own version of it which makes their cases and experiences logical. I love logical. When things make sense.
I’ve also started reading on another ME forum called Health Rising which is more hopeful than Phoenix Rising and, amongst other things, collects recovery stories. There’s a lot of focus on the ANS there. And how to influence it even if this means deploying psychology-tools. But: psychology has nothing to do with the cause of the illness. ME is not a mind-thing, it’s a body-thing.

So I am going full throttle at it again too. Broad spectrum (addressing all the aspects of my life that need attention) and with special attention to getting the nervous system to calm the frick down.
Full throttle at a very slow pace.

Check out the short video’s James7a made on YouTube, telling about his illness and what he did to recover 100%. He’s a great, young British man who did it. He did it!
His video’s are short, 13 minutes and very natural (not rehearsed). And he makes his point very good.

———————————————————————-
just a little note to myself:
Next time a life stress event occurs such as moving house or death of a parent I will do the following regardless of where I am health wise:
– clear my calendar for the next six months;
– take all the minerals, take all the amino acids, take all the vitamins;
– drink salty water by the gallon;
– get massages or yawn and stretch like pets do and as often as pets do to help the lymph system to remove waste;
– eat gelatine by the bucket (cook chicken drumsticks in cocosfat and water, let cool). Gelatine is easily digestible, contains lots of amino acids and travels first through the lymph system instead of the liver;
– make chickensoup but also eat other things. Rotate.
– watch Bananaboy’s short videos again where he explains how he healed
– wear ear mufflers and rest rest rest a lot;
– remind myself I am safe. Here and now. I am.

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