I did find the one reason to keep on living, a few weeks back. I’ve been test driving it and it works for me.
It’s because you provide a unique colour to the palette of humankind. A colour only you can provide. A colour your friends and your acquaintances would sorely be robbed of, if you took it away.
pic by Neil Gould
I got the idea from this Dutch post by Jacob Jan Voerman, written to a friend of his whom decided to retreat his internet presence.
“I’m taking myself off line because I’ve said all I want to. Anything else will just be a repeat”.
Jacob Jan writes to him that the crux of his internet presence is not the content he provides, it’s his mere presence. The unique colour he adds to the palet of the world. Of human kind. Of his friends.
I was very much comforted by this thought. I do provide something unique and it doesn’t require any effort on my part. Just being me is enough. Just showing myself a bit, on the internet, towards friends.
It has comforted me in times when I want to end this life because the pain has become unbearable. It did a couple of weeks back. I was driving home after having exerted myself beyond my abilities and running low on vit D and Progesteron to boot.
The pain, this life, it became unbearable.
Luckily I knew it was chem-induced and that it probably would pass if enough time flowed by. But the pain and this life, in which I have to manage this all while being crippled by the illness in a world that works in logical ways where decline is inevitable and love and beauty is only found in short vulnerable bursts, became unbearable. No longer worth it.
pic by Asif Akbar
I’m living in limbo now. Still shell-shocked from that episode.
I’m not about to commit suicide on an impulse but I’m clearly finished with the life I’ve lead up until now. It’s no longer acceptable. Something’s gotta give. And something will.
When friends and loved ones try to convince someone that life is worth living because they love him/her it always struck me as a selfish argument. Why should the tired-of-life-person be asked to keep on enduring the pain? Because you’d miss him/her? Because you’d get a hole ripped in your heart? What about the tremendous pain that person endures, day after day, minute after minute?
“Because we love you” is not the right thing to put on the scale.
“Because you are unique and you add something unique to our world” works better. At least for me.
What it also gives me is a sense of self worth.
Me becoming more ill every week it seems has send my dreams out of the window of a career. Artist; illustrator; engineer; writer; landscape designer. Anything I’ve talked about on this blog is not going to happen.
I cannot sit up straight long enough. I cannot hold my thoughts together long enough.
I’ve cried about this loss and I’m just about accepting it now. It gives me some peace of mind, that I can now finally let go of all ambitions that took hold in me.
I can let them go because I’ve found something else to connect my self worth to. Something that does not require any sitting up right or keeping my wits about to be for-filled. By just being myself and just sharing my unique colour with my friends and (internet) acquaintances I am worthy. Living a worthy life. Something to be proud of. Someone to be proud of. Even when I’m “doing nothing”.
pic by Neil Gould
(btw, I’m discovering a whole new array of beautiful and touching moments in “the limbo live”, where I no longer strive and strain for results.)