End of this blog.

With the past post I think this blog has come to an end.
This blog was intended to help me straighten out my thoughts. To document what I want to do with my life. To navigate through my life, given the restrictions imposed.

I have found what it is I want to do. It’s still the same as it ever was: illustrate, write, art, design, engineer, create. All at once and none of them accumulating to something great.

There are still the same old things holding me back: ambition, perfectionism, fear of failure, fear of choosing, the need to be seen, the need to be acknowledged. Ah, such child’s needs… I may never grow out of them.

Watching me take these hurdles and me documenting this struggle will be tedious and with lots of repetition and small victories and never ending in a big crescendo.
I’m not going to write it down.
You’re not going to need to read it.
It would be equally exhibitionistic and boring, for all concerned. And really not that interesting.

Through this blog and the time that’s passed I’ve learned that there will never be enough hours in a day to do all the things I want to do. No matter whether I’m bed bound, brain fogged or running around drunk with sunshine.
There will always be choices and priorities to be set.

I have learned to think my way through some faulty assumptions I was carrying and building my life upon. Assumptions about life, about society and about what makes for a meaningful life. There’s that.

And as of today I glimpsed another truth. The truth about existing, meaningful, without giving account. Without given witness.
Without catching meaningful thoughts in a sentence. Without blogging, tweeting or writing a book about it. Shedding that urge, the urge to visibly exist. Using the time and space that it frees up to cuddle the cat, to share its place in the sun, examining something rustling in the tall grasses.
Because that is living.

I have a confidence that living unforced like this will bring out the drawings too.
Or it may be a tree house I build. Or an urban space I design. Or a cake I bake for a friend who loves owls.

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4 thoughts on “End of this blog.

  1. Well said. I’m happy for you!

    However, I’m going to miss your posts, because you are wise and I love reading your thoughts. I do understand why you would not continue, though.

    We will never have the time to express everything, to master all the things, but we do have the time and chance to enjoy what we have to the fullest extent. We only need to realize that.

    When MarvelKnits is enjoying her life in the sun with noone to see it, does she still enjoy it? I trust she will :) just like the falling tree still makes sound when noone is there to hear it.

    Thank you for sharing your journey, for being vulnerable, being an example, being human. Congratulations on your victory, which is a logical miracle all of its own. Something to marvel at :)

    • bedankt dahhhling! :)

      Er komt vast een nieuw blog want als ik eenmaal aan het tekenen sla dan wil ik dat toch ook ergens neerzetten.
      Maar eerst dat halve jaar/hele jaar rust en genieten van gezonder worden. En van wolfeestjes ;)

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