so I’m getting through the day, one half hour at the time.
I’ve pushed away all things making a demand on me. Emails, to-do lists, finding the right beads for knitwork, determining the meaning of life.
I still tremble at times. From the inside and sometimes my hands too. I try not to worry. Just keep the cortisone supplemented and comfort my body. Stress kills, after all. It feels like I have to care for a small child and that’s exactly the attitude I adopt: soothing, caring, comforting. And radiating confidence.
An unexpected symptom today is that my intestines don’t work. (They were fine earlier this week, I was really a bit proud having them back online after digestion halted while on holiday in August and later when the weekend of Sept 14th left me dehydrated and with kidney inflammation). Today they’re gone again. Gut health does influence brain health so there’s that connection. My gut feels ill and its misery ripples through my whole body. I think it has something to do with a commercial gluten-guiche and salade I ate yesterday and perhaps the 1000mg of vit C and powerful Magnesium citrate.
Anyway, I know a few factors play into this. Gut health is one of them. Stress another. Nutrition levels. Mental hygiene. Hormones. What a waste of time though!
So today I know not to take things too seriously. Just rest and heal, rest and heal. Both the body and the brain.
There’s this nagging suspicion though, that if I set my mind to it, I can reason my way through that feeling of not-worthyness.
I may have a go at it…. try to come out at the other end, with a shiny new idea of what will make my life worth living.
I’d love to be one of those people that finds a cause!
And a set of adrenals to go please, to furnace the drive and get famous and inspire others and get cosmetic surgery and teeth whitened and look good at the back of a book.
Nah, I’m kidding. I’ve already determined that the spotlights are not right for me. But I’d love one single cause to revolve every day around, to look forward to every morning when getting out of bed.
As my brain is my most powerfool tool I do believe I could reason away this feeling of inadequacy…
Or would that be a foolish enterprise? Seeing that I am a bit vulnerable at the moment…
At least we can see that my fighting power is kindled again. I refuse to lay down and wither. I want to squash this.
oh, you should see me now, wouldn’t you laugh! I’m a crumpled up newspaper of a human being, wrapped in a ’70s woolen blanket from my nan on a sheeps’ fleece in a wooden cabin. There’s a cat under the blanket, snoring. There’s knitting everywhere, all tangles. My hair is “Peppi” (*the Dutch Stan Laurel*), my eyes are swollen, my hands trembling, my throat is dry and I can hardly look straight. And I’ve got all this fighting power in me.
You’re the only one who knows and also know that I cannot decide where to aim this will power at. Heehee, we’d laugh ourselves silly!
video to intro Peppi and Kokki
picture by Lorie B. Kellogg