I’m having a weird, troublesome morning.
Woke up at 6.30 after a solid 6,5 hours of sleep. Took some hydrocortisone to aid with getting ready to get up. Did some surfing to pass the 40 minutes it takes to kick in. Instead it made me drowsy, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I recognised this as a too-much-progesteron-mood and fell asleep.
Woke up again at 9.15. Took some hydrocortisone. Waited. Again my body relaxed. This time I was ready to get up. But my mind wasn’t. “there’s nothing for me downstairs.”
That useless, worthless feeling washed over me again. No, it welled up inside me. I was drenched in it but without a care. I felt very numb.
All I wanted to do and all I could do was lay there, with my head on my pillow.
I lacked all willpower to do anything.
This is a new for me. I have lacked the brainpower to do anything. I have lacked the basic energy level to do anything.
But the will power? Never before.
The scary thing was it wasn’t even scary…
Just on overwhelming thruth of “I’ll just lay here and wither.”
It was very weird to not being able to do anything because of willpower. Before i’ve not been able to raise my head or my arm because of lack of glucose. I had the same physical feeling but now from lack of willpower.
Eventually I reached for my phone, head still on pillow, and called my husband. He’s in the city.
Explaining to him made me angry with myself for not kicking my butt. But at the same time numb. And worthless for leading such a useless life. Very confusing.
Together we broke up the process. He said I HAD to get downstairs and get some food in me and a lithium mineral supplement (Biotics). While you’re downstairs, put on the heating.
I suggested to skip dressing and just go down. This alleveated some of the hurdles in my mind.
We hung up. I prepared to drag myself out of bed.
And I started crying?! Big round tears. It was my body in distress, it REALLY didn’t feel up for the task. And it was me having absolutely no more power, strength or courage to fight any more battles.
That’s when I lifted my head from the pillow for the first time in 10 hours. And instantly felt a bit better, a little bit clear headed. I put a bit of npc on, advise from husband.
I greeted the cat, put on a bra and went downstairs.
Body screaming all the way :(
Trembling, crying, having to take really good care not to tumble down the stairs.
Now I’m back in bed again. The heating is on. A cup of tea is waiting downstairs, with some cream in it. I’ve eating a bit of liverwurst, butter, vit d and lithium. I peed.
Just waiting in the comfort of my bed untill my feet warm up again, then I’ll go get dressed and go downstairs.
I feel quilty of having dragged my body around, it may take a while for it to calm down. I took another chunk of cortison.
I’ve got no idea what happened. The drowsyness from the hydrocortisone may have been caused by it being converted to progesteron immedeatly.
The mood of worthlessness is definately influenced by lack of lithium. The methyl-B12 and Forinic acid I take require lots of lithium (and progesteron)I noticed. I have been firing up the methylationcycle a bit the last two days. And it is day 3 of my cycle when I usually become all Strong Active Woman again but also have to start npc because Misery Woman is also awakening
So there it is. A rotten time getting out of bed. And betrayal by the one thing I have always counted on: my willpower. My strong mind.
Now I’m a bit scared. Worried. What does this all mean? It feels like I’m slipping. Entering a danger zone. I am worried.
For now I’ll revert to my how-to-deal-with-suicidal-tendencies-plan which consists of concentrating on the next half hour in your life and nothing else. In the next half hour I’ll get up, get dressed, drink that tea. After that I’ll look at the next half hour. (probably knitting and a video)(or breakfast)
It’s not that I’m suicidal it’s just that when I was (seriously messed up hormones caused it) I devised a method of staying alive and right now I can use that clutch. I’ll postphone analyzing what happened and worrying about it for as long as possible. Push away the worrying, today I am in no state to find solutions. That’s basic mental hygiene, I feel.
Of course beneath the surface I’m still convinced I’m worthless…
But I’m also angry. To strip away my willpower? How dare it/they!