The Bloggess writes a weird and funny blog and sometimes she writes posts about being depressed. She writes honestly about depression and how it lies. Depression lies in general. In her case, it is caused by faulty chemistry and -thusly- is corrected by chemistry which take a while to kick in at the right dose which make for dark episodes.
I’m not sure if I’m depressed. I gather not because my moods swing from dark to lark many times a day. There’s probably another professional word for my case. And I am sure it is chemically caused also. Except I do not believe so when I am at a low. Or at a high, for that matter. In both cases I am convinced this is me. It feels like me,
The dark times are especially hard. Because at those time I see very clearly how life is put together, in general, for all living things. The fabric of life, the structure, the mechanics, the meaning. All of it.
And I see how my life has gone, from year to year, and how events influenced and shaped me, especially my spirit and heart. How I got hurt, misunderstood, thwarted and damaged. I notice these things with a clinical eye. Accepting that that is how life progresses.
That part makes me desperate.
The clear and calm analysis matched with the pain it causes.
On days like these I have to work very hard to tell myself it is all a lie. That my glasses are askew. That my brain is not functioning properly. That, even though it is a logical sound construction of thoughts, there is a fault. The crux is that the fault is not in the logic. It must be somewhere else. Perhaps in the premisse. Or in the value I attach to logic or clarity of mind. Over matters of the heart, I presume. (the problem with that being that my heart hurts so very much, stabbed my memories of events gone by or burning hopes)
Either way, there’s a lie here.
Yesterday I ate all kinds of bad foods. I had friends over and a wonderful day. I was over the moon. Full of plans. Today is a logical reaction to all those things, especially after a bad nights sleep. So my brain lies to me today. Probably.