Frustration Foxtrot

slept for 12 hours straight. All the food I took in yesterday drained my energy. Is one factor.

Today I feel better mentally. I understand that sometimes one has off-days. A day in which nothing goes as planned and things don’t make sense and reliable solutions do not work. You’re just having a crappy day.

I made the mistake of not recognizing it and I kept believing I could and should fix it right untill the very minute I stepped into my bed. Can’t fix crappy days. Just endure and see what tomorrow brings.

Part of my frustration comes from continuously having to comply with a very slow pace. I still can only do two things on a day. Sometimes three. Ever since I regained some of my mental functions last August I am eager to DO more and bigger things however and I fail at taking things slow. I forgot about two steps forward, one step back.

I forgot about crappy days and I forgot about having to take time off (one week, two weeks) after a busy week or after travelling and I forgot how few things I used to be able to do. I now say: I can two things on a day. But those two things have grown bigger than the two things 3 years ago. Back then it was two small things. Get a shower, make dinner. Nothing more.

These days I somehow manage to vacuum the house once a week, to put away things I’ve used, plan ahead for food and generally manage my health all day (keep track of pills and moods). I’ve been to more wool parties and I recover fairly quick from them. In a matter of days instead of weeks.

I should not be surprised when once in a while I have a crappy day. Still, I was.

pic by Lida Österman

But today I’m back on schedule: only doing two things. Took a shower and I’m going to prepare for a trip I’m taking tomorrow. I remembered to lay on the couch to allow digestion (I’m writing this with the laptop on my belly, laying flat, at the moment), remember to stay warm, take hydrocortison.

Writing is not in the books today. However, I did find a very funny written science blog which I enjoy reading while not writing. It’s In the Pipeline by Derek Lowe, especially the categorie “things I won’t work with”. He’s an molecule engineer. I knew of his blog because my husband is a big fan of tv series Breaking Bad and Lowe is a drug discovery chemist. His writings about discovering nasty molecules is hilarious while still understandable for non-chemists.

(I post phoned thinking and deciding about getting me to a specialist. I have all the paperwork but I cannot yet muster up the courage to face unwilling people. Another day will come.)

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