worse than squirrel poo

all thinking plans for today are thwarted because of panic attacks I’m having.

It swells deep within and takes over every cell and every system of my body and mind. I’m on edge, frightened, tense and convinced something bad will happen any second. My body is trembling, I’m close to tears.

I’m flipping mad about it too because this is all system based, this panic, there’s nothing dangerous going on in real life. It’s chemicals that are out of balance and an imune system (or nervous system) that reacts to it (good little helper that it is). I’ve tried valerian and progesterone to calm things down, cortisol to counter the stress, I’ve been exercising to work away the toxic surplusses but it doesn’t seem to work. It could have been something I ate. It can be monthly cycle. (then why won’t these solutions work?)

Either way it’s tiresome. It eats away at the magre energy supply I have. And I had plans for today.

It is so annoying!
Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and no command over this bodily system.

 

Well… the brain does bring some relief. It tells me this feeling is not me, it is chemicals and that is a reassuring fact. I’m not crazy, my body is.

My brain tells me about the experience I’ve had with these episodes, what remedies might alleviate and that it will pass eventually.

now I will use my brain to accept that this is happening today and that I’ll work with this new given to fill in today. I did have some nuggets to share about city/country person but it will have to wait. Just like writing about the small business activities I’ve started up. And my wish to draw here instead of write.

For now I’ll start with some carbohydrates. Perhaps smash some crockery. Do those two administrative tasks.

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ps. for now I will also refuse to think about the non-existent divider between brain and body, between my persona and my body, between flesh and spirit. I refuse to aknowledge it’s mostly all the same nutty-ness.

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ps. 2. O noes! what if this is menopause?! I’m way too young but with my hormonal weirdnesses anything is possible. O noooo….please let not menopause be like this….I’m not ready to take on years and years of crazyness!

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UPDATE:

I took Lithium and now I’m calm (albeit very tired). This is the food supplement Lithium, not the drug.

You can buy it just like you can buy Calcium pills, Magnesium powder or any fish oil. A few years back I found out I lacked this salt/mineral and I’ve been supplementing it every once and while. It had been a while now and I would never have suspected such violent symptoms to be connected to this. My shortage usually shows more slowly and eroding in nature.

Now I’m even more annoyed that I let it come this far. I have had a miserable month and could have thought about lithium earlier. Today my day is still wrecked because this took it’s toll on my body and I want to sleep sleep sleep (probably overdosed on the progesterone too).

However, these violent symptoms do remind me of that day when I had eaten too much nutmeg… which meddles with hormone receptors in the brain. Which is where Lithium is important too, in the brain, although nobody knows exactly how. I’m still not convinced it was the Lithium because I swallowed half a pill and immediately I felt better, which makes no sense because my stomach had not digested that pill yet. But it does seem to work. So I’m not arguing, even if it is placebo. Placebo works fine for me.

So who knows. (I’m still weird. Weirdly sensitive and nuttier than squirrel poo. I’m so tired of it.)

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